Thank You Fantasy News Guys!

Every day in baseball, from the first crack of a bat in Spring Training to the final out of the World Series, you have guys getting injured. Pitchers with tight forearms or sore elbows, fleet-footed base thieves with sore groins or quad muscles, nearly half of them suffer from some sort of malady throughout the season. It's commonplace. In fact, it's turned the athletic trainer position into a science. Well, it is a science technically, but it's more advanced now than ever. Is that better?

A good trainer knows how to get you fixed and back out on the field in a flash. The key is, not missing any starts if you're a player. And if you're a former Mets trainer, you're also running a lucrative steroid business behind the scenes. And saving used syringes for use in Congressional hearings years from now. Sick fucker. But this is all beside the point. The trainer is there to mend the player and get him back in the lineup.

As a competitor in as many as three fantasy baseball leagues every season, injuries are on my mind. You watch the wire to see who may have pulled up lame or been replaced early in the game. Why did the manager bench him? Is he going on the Disabled List? Shit! As stressful as it may be, it is a fact of life. Injuries happen a lot. What you don't see very often, though, are players being sidelined with injuries like hemorrhoids. What?! Are you serious? I thought those were reserved for middle-aged guys who try too hard to "drop the kids off at the pool" when they are irregular? This is not something you expect to see your second baseman sidelined for...yet I just did.

Kaz Matsui is the starting second baseman for the Houston Astros. He's my backup 2B, and I spent a draft pick on him. He can steal bases and hit for a pretty decent average. But he seems to have a nagging case of the 'roids. No, not steroids, either. This is the second season he's been benched for any amount of time due to the inflamed blood vessels around his anal sphincter. This year, the docs have even gone as far as to diagnose him with anal fissures. Whiskey Tango Foxtrot. What the hell are those? According to MayoClinic.com...

"An anal fissure is a small tear in the lining of the anal canal. Common in infants ages 6 to 24 months, anal fissures are less likely to develop in older children. Adults may develop anal fissures as a result of passing hard or large stools during bowel movements."

Holy hole in the anal canal, Batman. That sounds painful. No wonder it is causing Kaz to miss playing time in Spring Training. Well, at least he can feel at ease that this is something the trainer will keep in the clubhouse. No need for anyone outside to know why he is ailing, right? I mean, all they need to know is, he's out of the lineup. Dear, Kaz. Please do not visit any fantasy baseball sites...ever.

"Joseph Duarte, of The Houston Chronicle, reports Houston Astros 2B Kazuo Matsui (gluteus) is expected to miss four or five days after being diagnosed with a condition known as anal fissure. Matsui will go through individual workouts at the team facility but will not play until at least March 14. Doctors have prescribed a different medication to help alleviate the problem." --as reported by KFFL.com, March 11, 2008

Oh shit. How embarrassing is that? Since the inception of fantasy news, nearly everything goes reported to the community of pasty-faced fantasy geeks, like myself. As a consumer of these news feeds, I can honestly say, I don't need to know that level of it. Seriously, guys. If the dude has a rip in his anus, let him be. Call it a bruised gluteus and leave it at that. It's not as though we're talking about an elbow injury with a pitcher. When you hear that, you automatically start watching to see if it requires surgery. It's a tell-tale sign that the guy may be out a while. How the fuck do you deal with anal fissures as a fantasy team owner? You wait and see, I guess.

Here's to hoping Kaz's ass takes a few days off and heals. And a little more fiber wouldn't hurt either, Kaz. If you're tearing it, dude, you're trying too hard.