Operators Are Standing...Bye!

I wish I could be paid to act like a total retard for a living. I do. Instead I do it for free on this blog, but that's beside the point. Have you ever seen those commercials that advertise one of those "as seen on TV" product? The formula is pretty consistent: introduce the product, explain the benefits, then show average people trying to live their lives without it, splash a toll free number on the screen and voilà! I want to be one of those average people in the commercials.

You know who I'm talking about. The lady who obliterates paper towels trying to scrub carpet. The guy who just can't seem to figure out how to drain pasta without getting third-degree burns. The drunk bitch at the party that spills a whole goblet of Riunite Lambrusco on your new, plush white carpeting. I can do all of those things. Well thank god there are products on TV that can prevent all of these acts of ineptitude.

Here's an example. This one features the same creepy bearded guy you'll see on OxiClean™ commercials, Billy Mays. Are you just too damn tired of walking five feet to the light switch? Or are you a demential geriatric who forgets to turn the lights off while you're sitting next to them downstairs? Well you're in luck, lazy fuckers.

HandySwitch™
Note the complete look of defeat on grandma's face when she actually has to get out of bed to turn the light off at night four feet away. Oh the horror.

Are you dumber than a hoe? (No, not the ones who hang out on your street corner.) Does your shovel beat you in Jeopardy every night? Then you need a tool that will have you ditching those uppity garden tools so you can once again be the smartest monkey in your garden. You need one of these!

Awesome Auger™
Note: If using your hoe is causing you physical pain, then you're doing it wrong, dude.

How about when you just need to make a couple gross of meatballs and you can't remember how to shape them? I submit to you this craptastic product. Goodbye, meat dodecahedrons! Hello, meat spheres!

Meatball Magic™
There's no video with this, but imagine Corky getting ready for the Life Goes On cast party. Uh oh, big trouble!

Of course, there are alternatives that will save you money. Use Bounty® paper towels or a cloth, for Jebus sake. Learn how to use a colander, ass wad. And don't host a wine party in your newly remodeled living room with white carpet. Or even better, don't invite Sheila the drunken idiot. And if your kids are absolute hellions that color on walls or throw food, two words: military school.

On the other hand, Billy Mays, give me a call if you have any openings. I'll fuck up your white carpet quicker than drunken Sheila at a colostomy bag party. Did somebody say Zorbeez™? Let's face it. For some stains a good barrel of napalm is the only way to go.

Rollin' Rollin' Rollin'

Lately I've become re-obsessed with a phenomenon that still puzzles me to this day. It puzzles because you see it and have to ask yourself, "What the fuck is this? Why did you send me this? And where is my gun?" It is a phenomenon known as the "Rickroll".

First I drop the knowledge on you. What is a Rickroll? Urban Dictionary defines it as:

"Tricking someone on the internet into watching "Rick Astley - Never Gonna Give You Up" via links through the internet." --as defined by Moop77, Urban Dictionary

But why Rick Astley? Why not a "Stryper-roll"? Or "Yoko-roll"? Or, even worse, "ColorMeBadd-roll"? I shudder at the thought. I suspect it has to do with the hidden power of Mr. Astley's 1987 hit "Never Gonna Give You Up"...the power to infiltrate your brain and play incessantly in your subconscious PA system like a broken record. It sticks in your head, kids. I've been Rickrolled in the evening and then woke up the next morning with that damn song rattling around in my skull. As I type, it's working its way in there again. Also, it is the embarrassing eighties style visuals of the lanky red-haired Astley doing the dances in the video. He looks like a pastier red-head version of Doogie Howser with an itchy asshole he just can't scratch in public, so he gyrates his ass around to mask the fact. But he dances a lot like me, so who am I to judge?

Rickrolling your friends is a classic prank. You hate it when it happens to you, but you can't wait to pass that link along to another unsuspecting friend as soon as possible. Of course, along with sharing the joy of a Rickroll comes loss of trust and anger. I'm close to losing all of my already depleted cred within a circle of friends because I've sent three separate Rickrolls to them in the past week. They love me right about now.

How can you get in on the action? There are several Rickrolls out there on the interweb. Well here are some of the best Rickroll links, in my opinion:

The Original YouTube Rickroll - This is the video that purportedly started it all.

Getting Rickrolled by the Muppets - Nicely hidden behind a Muppets guise.

The most devious Rickroll EVER - Like a dog humping your leg, you just have to let it finish. Or you kill the browser session with Task Manager. EVIL, like the fruits of the devil.

And if you want to be even trickier with the delivery, you can mask the URL behind a TinyUrl link. Or you can take it offline and do what some guys did in one of the most creative and epic Rickrolls on record. They took boomboxes and blasted "Never Gonna Give You Up" at the Church of Scientology. Yes, they Rickrolled Scientology. That is incredible on so many levels.

What does Rick Astley think of his new found fame? The L.A. Times interviewed Rick about it. "It’s a bit spooky, innit?" You think, Rick?

Never gonna give you up
Never gonna let you down
Never gonna run around and desert you

Sweet Chocolate Christ! Get it out of my head!