Do you know what this means?!

Well, I've done it. The scientific search is over. I have finally achieved the elusive solution to our energy crisis thanks to the inspiration of George W. Bush and Sarah Palin. They have seen the future, and I was being too damn obtuse realize it. The answer has been there the past eight years in every press conference, and most recently in the vice-presidential debate. I have discovered nucular energy.

Through the formerly mysterious (read: non-existent) reaction called "fizzyun", I have unleashed nucular energy into the world. It's simple, really. Through the combination of some perfect samples of Funyuns and exact amounts of Faygo Red Pop, I have done it. I'll explain...

First, you pick the best Funyuns you can find. It must be one of these tasty snacks in the shape of a Möbius strip. After 72 bags and countless cases of heartburn, I finally found three that would work.

Next, you need eight ounces of Faygo Red Pop. I haven't yet discovered the qualities of the beverage that make it the catalyst, but I'm sure it is in the red dye or the crack-like addictive chemicals it contains.

You take the beaker of Red Pop and drop in a Mentos mint, mostly just because it's a cool freaking effect. Bubbles rule. Then you submerge the Funyun into the beaker. After a certain amount of time (variable depending on the atmospheric conditions) the Funyun will split. It must only split into segments that measure relatively equal lengths, within a margin of error identical to the number of calories in the Funyun ring itself.

The resulting nuggets of fake onion ring are thus ionized and ready for receiving the suspended receptor molecules in the Red Pop. These nuggets must go immediately into a microwave for exactly 1 minute and 37 seconds, or however long it takes you to drain your bladder from the three Red Pops you've consumed to this point. Coincidence? I think not.

The Funyun segments are now ready for action. They have achieved an unstable state which emit approximately the same amount of Geiger units of a 14 ounce stick of U-238. Whatever that means, it was enough to propel my cat, Schrödinger, across the kitchen when I dropped one of the searing hot pieces of Funyun on his tail. It didn't kill him, but I'm not sure. I wish I knew probability, dammit. I put him in a box just in case.

This is it, folks. The end of our energy crisis. Our dependence on fossil fuels is waning. This is the greatest discovery since Jesus discovered dinosaurs co-existed with Adam and Eve. To all you naysayers, nucular energy IS real. I smell a Nobel prize, bitches....and some singed cat hair.

Just Palin Stupid

As I witness the political process at work in the final four weeks before Election Day, I can't help but think: What the hell is Sarah Palin doing as the Vice Presidential candidate?

This is a woman whose foreign policy is predicated on her ability to see a foreign country from her backyard. (Shame on you, Katie Couric for being so brutal.) By that logic, if you gave her a rope she'd also be able to claim she was a cowgirl. Seriously, it's that sad. She'd probably have to ask someone to tie a lasso for her.

As a "maverick", McCain could have done better choosing a running mate himself. Yes, you know he didn't choose her, but his staff did. It was like a bunch of out-of-touch visitors choosing what to put on the TV in his hospice room. "You say you want The Dirty Dozen, Mr. McCain? Well here's Ishtar. Enjoy."

The more Palin talks about McCain being a "maverick", the more I think she really believes she's talking about a fighter pilot from an 80s movie. According to her script at the VP debate, she's extremely happy to be a part of the GOP ticket. And she's looking forward to taking on the big D.C. machine as an outsider. Truth be told, she's so out of touch with U.S. politics, she may as well be an ensign in the Canadian Navy. (Apologies to the Canadian Navy.)

They say her folksy demeanor makes her connect with the average soccer/hockey mom. And her steep slant on family values makes her a darling with the conservative set. When did being a mother of a pregnant teen make you a spokesperson for family values? I bet her daughter, Juneau, is more knowledgeable on the facts than she is. I mean, for crying out loud, she couldn't even name more than one of the big Supreme Court cases in history other than Roe vs Wade. Did "Brown vs Board of Education" ever make the papers in Alaska? Oh that's right, you may not have read that one. You're not even sure what sources you've read to prepare yourself for the Vice Presidential race. Here's a hint: If you're a GOP member, and you're faced with such a tough question, all you have to do is blurt out "Fox News".

Ms. Palin, at least you know you're still brighter than the current President. If you mention you have an infant with Downs Syndrome, he'll probably ask you why he's depressed. He's just that stupid. Don't get me wrong, people, there's nothing funny about this genetic condition. I'm just demonstrating how dumb this current administration is. They still think Iraq is the world center of terrorism. Newsflash: Afghanistan harbored more terrorists than Iraq ever did. But if you believe oil prospects equals terrorism then I guess you'd be correct.

Do you see what you've done here, Ms. Palin? You and your band of morons have driven me to wax political. I don't like it. But you just kept pushing and I was liable to break. The American public is not stupid. We're just easily swayed by cutesy ladies who don't know squat and prop up geriatric leaders who are on the verge of wearing diapers. How else do you explain why McCain is so close to Obama in the polls? Wake up, America.

That's enough. I'm out.