Do you know what this means?!

Well, I've done it. The scientific search is over. I have finally achieved the elusive solution to our energy crisis thanks to the inspiration of George W. Bush and Sarah Palin. They have seen the future, and I was being too damn obtuse realize it. The answer has been there the past eight years in every press conference, and most recently in the vice-presidential debate. I have discovered nucular energy.

Through the formerly mysterious (read: non-existent) reaction called "fizzyun", I have unleashed nucular energy into the world. It's simple, really. Through the combination of some perfect samples of Funyuns and exact amounts of Faygo Red Pop, I have done it. I'll explain...

First, you pick the best Funyuns you can find. It must be one of these tasty snacks in the shape of a Möbius strip. After 72 bags and countless cases of heartburn, I finally found three that would work.

Next, you need eight ounces of Faygo Red Pop. I haven't yet discovered the qualities of the beverage that make it the catalyst, but I'm sure it is in the red dye or the crack-like addictive chemicals it contains.

You take the beaker of Red Pop and drop in a Mentos mint, mostly just because it's a cool freaking effect. Bubbles rule. Then you submerge the Funyun into the beaker. After a certain amount of time (variable depending on the atmospheric conditions) the Funyun will split. It must only split into segments that measure relatively equal lengths, within a margin of error identical to the number of calories in the Funyun ring itself.

The resulting nuggets of fake onion ring are thus ionized and ready for receiving the suspended receptor molecules in the Red Pop. These nuggets must go immediately into a microwave for exactly 1 minute and 37 seconds, or however long it takes you to drain your bladder from the three Red Pops you've consumed to this point. Coincidence? I think not.

The Funyun segments are now ready for action. They have achieved an unstable state which emit approximately the same amount of Geiger units of a 14 ounce stick of U-238. Whatever that means, it was enough to propel my cat, Schrödinger, across the kitchen when I dropped one of the searing hot pieces of Funyun on his tail. It didn't kill him, but I'm not sure. I wish I knew probability, dammit. I put him in a box just in case.

This is it, folks. The end of our energy crisis. Our dependence on fossil fuels is waning. This is the greatest discovery since Jesus discovered dinosaurs co-existed with Adam and Eve. To all you naysayers, nucular energy IS real. I smell a Nobel prize, bitches....and some singed cat hair.