Operators Are Standing...Bye!

I wish I could be paid to act like a total retard for a living. I do. Instead I do it for free on this blog, but that's beside the point. Have you ever seen those commercials that advertise one of those "as seen on TV" product? The formula is pretty consistent: introduce the product, explain the benefits, then show average people trying to live their lives without it, splash a toll free number on the screen and voilà! I want to be one of those average people in the commercials.

You know who I'm talking about. The lady who obliterates paper towels trying to scrub carpet. The guy who just can't seem to figure out how to drain pasta without getting third-degree burns. The drunk bitch at the party that spills a whole goblet of Riunite Lambrusco on your new, plush white carpeting. I can do all of those things. Well thank god there are products on TV that can prevent all of these acts of ineptitude.

Here's an example. This one features the same creepy bearded guy you'll see on OxiClean™ commercials, Billy Mays. Are you just too damn tired of walking five feet to the light switch? Or are you a demential geriatric who forgets to turn the lights off while you're sitting next to them downstairs? Well you're in luck, lazy fuckers.

HandySwitch™
Note the complete look of defeat on grandma's face when she actually has to get out of bed to turn the light off at night four feet away. Oh the horror.

Are you dumber than a hoe? (No, not the ones who hang out on your street corner.) Does your shovel beat you in Jeopardy every night? Then you need a tool that will have you ditching those uppity garden tools so you can once again be the smartest monkey in your garden. You need one of these!

Awesome Auger™
Note: If using your hoe is causing you physical pain, then you're doing it wrong, dude.

How about when you just need to make a couple gross of meatballs and you can't remember how to shape them? I submit to you this craptastic product. Goodbye, meat dodecahedrons! Hello, meat spheres!

Meatball Magic™
There's no video with this, but imagine Corky getting ready for the Life Goes On cast party. Uh oh, big trouble!

Of course, there are alternatives that will save you money. Use Bounty® paper towels or a cloth, for Jebus sake. Learn how to use a colander, ass wad. And don't host a wine party in your newly remodeled living room with white carpet. Or even better, don't invite Sheila the drunken idiot. And if your kids are absolute hellions that color on walls or throw food, two words: military school.

On the other hand, Billy Mays, give me a call if you have any openings. I'll fuck up your white carpet quicker than drunken Sheila at a colostomy bag party. Did somebody say Zorbeez™? Let's face it. For some stains a good barrel of napalm is the only way to go.