Judas Fleeced

Anyone else starting to think twice about this Gospel of Judas thing?
Since you asked, here's my take...

Scientists discovered these lost manuscripts somewhere in Egypt along
the Nile basin. They supposedly clear the name of Judas Iscariot. He
was not the betrayer as the church and other New Testament stories
portray him. Jesus went to Judas, who would have had to be a damn
good friend, and says, "Look, I know I'm supposed to die for the sins
of all of humanity. I was wondering if you could do me a favor..."

Or perhaps, Judas wasn't that good of friends with Jesus. Maybe he
was just looking for an out so he could legitimately release himself
from "the Cougars" if you will. "Once you're in, you're never out,
Judas." So, in realizing his fate, Jesus approaches Judas. And to
Judas' delight, he might get to be the one to turn him in to
authorities to fulfill his role in history. then, Judas realizes he
did just contribute to the execution of Jesus. He needs to get his
story out there. Some quick "good" press is required...STAT. Who
wants to forever have their name applied to people who betray friends?
Holy sh!t. Jesus had to know that he wasn't happy being in the
Cougars. So that savvy son of a b!tch asked me to do this knowing it
would be easy for me to turn him in...then he also knew I would stew
forever as the stooge that killed the king of kings. And even if the
world didn't turn on me, my conscience would do the job nicely.

So, Judas either pens -- or pays someone to write for him -- a series
of leaflets to be deposited along the banks of the Nile for all of the
people to read. "Maybe he can generate some positive buzz around his
name. People will read the leaflets and perhaps think, "Hey, maybe
this Judas guy wasn't so bad after all. Jesus asked him to do it.
Hey, Slaves R Us is offering 2 Jews for the price of one today.
Sweet. Let's go."

Judas' campaign was not very successful. He threw what was left of
his pamphlets on the banks of the Nile and sat to reflect. "Maybe
I'll just settle for having my name used as the name of a band. A
rock and roll band. Yeah. Jesus can't say that much."

Even 1000s of years later, now that these leaflets have been found,
the church says, "Hell no. This can't be real. Judas was a
m*therf*cker. We know. John Paul II went to high school with him."
So the next time a Buzzsawer asks you to spill the beans to his wife
about the tawdry night out with the boys because he feels he needs to
be punished mercilessly, ask yourself....WWJD, kids. What would Judas
do? Then tell the wife everything and watch your buddy fry. Because
that's the kind of sh!t that makes the Buzzsaw what it is. Thank you,
Judas, for showing us the way.