Nut Punch

Do you know what this means?!

2008-10-09T20:27:00.000-07:00

Well, I've done it. The scientific search is over. I have finally achieved the elusive solution to our energy crisis thanks to the inspiration of George W. Bush and Sarah Palin. They have seen the future, and I was being too damn obtuse realize it. The answer has been there the past eight years in every press conference, and most recently in the vice-presidential debate. I have discovered nucular energy.

Through the formerly mysterious (read: non-existent) reaction called "fizzyun", I have unleashed nucular energy into the world. It's simple, really. Through the combination of some perfect samples of Funyuns and exact amounts of Faygo Red Pop, I have done it. I'll explain...

First, you pick the best Funyuns you can find. It must be one of these tasty snacks in the shape of a Möbius strip. After 72 bags and countless cases of heartburn, I finally found three that would work.

Next, you need eight ounces of Faygo Red Pop. I haven't yet discovered the qualities of the beverage that make it the catalyst, but I'm sure it is in the red dye or the crack-like addictive chemicals it contains.

You take the beaker of Red Pop and drop in a Mentos mint, mostly just because it's a cool freaking effect. Bubbles rule. Then you submerge the Funyun into the beaker. After a certain amount of time (variable depending on the atmospheric conditions) the Funyun will split. It must only split into segments that measure relatively equal lengths, within a margin of error identical to the number of calories in the Funyun ring itself.

The resulting nuggets of fake onion ring are thus ionized and ready for receiving the suspended receptor molecules in the Red Pop. These nuggets must go immediately into a microwave for exactly 1 minute and 37 seconds, or however long it takes you to drain your bladder from the three Red Pops you've consumed to this point. Coincidence? I think not.

The Funyun segments are now ready for action. They have achieved an unstable state which emit approximately the same amount of Geiger units of a 14 ounce stick of U-238. Whatever that means, it was enough to propel my cat, Schrödinger, across the kitchen when I dropped one of the searing hot pieces of Funyun on his tail. It didn't kill him, but I'm not sure. I wish I knew probability, dammit. I put him in a box just in case.

This is it, folks. The end of our energy crisis. Our dependence on fossil fuels is waning. This is the greatest discovery since Jesus discovered dinosaurs co-existed with Adam and Eve. To all you naysayers, nucular energy IS real. I smell a Nobel prize, bitches....and some singed cat hair.

Just Palin Stupid

2008-10-06T20:31:00.000-07:00

As I witness the political process at work in the final four weeks before Election Day, I can't help but think: What the hell is Sarah Palin doing as the Vice Presidential candidate?

This is a woman whose foreign policy is predicated on her ability to see a foreign country from her backyard. (Shame on you, Katie Couric for being so brutal.) By that logic, if you gave her a rope she'd also be able to claim she was a cowgirl. Seriously, it's that sad. She'd probably have to ask someone to tie a lasso for her.

As a "maverick", McCain could have done better choosing a running mate himself. Yes, you know he didn't choose her, but his staff did. It was like a bunch of out-of-touch visitors choosing what to put on the TV in his hospice room. "You say you want The Dirty Dozen, Mr. McCain? Well here's Ishtar. Enjoy."

The more Palin talks about McCain being a "maverick", the more I think she really believes she's talking about a fighter pilot from an 80s movie. According to her script at the VP debate, she's extremely happy to be a part of the GOP ticket. And she's looking forward to taking on the big D.C. machine as an outsider. Truth be told, she's so out of touch with U.S. politics, she may as well be an ensign in the Canadian Navy. (Apologies to the Canadian Navy.)

They say her folksy demeanor makes her connect with the average soccer/hockey mom. And her steep slant on family values makes her a darling with the conservative set. When did being a mother of a pregnant teen make you a spokesperson for family values? I bet her daughter, Juneau, is more knowledgeable on the facts than she is. I mean, for crying out loud, she couldn't even name more than one of the big Supreme Court cases in history other than Roe vs Wade. Did "Brown vs Board of Education" ever make the papers in Alaska? Oh that's right, you may not have read that one. You're not even sure what sources you've read to prepare yourself for the Vice Presidential race. Here's a hint: If you're a GOP member, and you're faced with such a tough question, all you have to do is blurt out "Fox News".

Ms. Palin, at least you know you're still brighter than the current President. If you mention you have an infant with Downs Syndrome, he'll probably ask you why he's depressed. He's just that stupid. Don't get me wrong, people, there's nothing funny about this genetic condition. I'm just demonstrating how dumb this current administration is. They still think Iraq is the world center of terrorism. Newsflash: Afghanistan harbored more terrorists than Iraq ever did. But if you believe oil prospects equals terrorism then I guess you'd be correct.

Do you see what you've done here, Ms. Palin? You and your band of morons have driven me to wax political. I don't like it. But you just kept pushing and I was liable to break. The American public is not stupid. We're just easily swayed by cutesy ladies who don't know squat and prop up geriatric leaders who are on the verge of wearing diapers. How else do you explain why McCain is so close to Obama in the polls? Wake up, America.

That's enough. I'm out.

Lennon: Just Imagine for a Second

2008-08-05T20:50:00.001-07:00

Here we are 27 years, 7 months, and 28 days after a moment that changed lives, and we still are feeling the impact. John Lennon was gunned down in a senseless act of cold blood outside of his apartment building. The loss was so monumental it still resonates today even with many who were not even old enough to understand its significance, including myself. I was five years old at the time.

Even at age 5, I sensed there was a gravity that descended on that day, the significance of which I am still struggling to understand. The world lost a voice that we had once known for its songs that helped sculpt a generation of song writers and countless artists to come. Lennon was a vital part of the most prolific song writing duo in history and a member of a band that brought the world together. That feat seems so foreign today in a music industry that seems so fickle and full of bands du jour. The Beatles' and Lennon's music showed the power of music as a uniting force the use of guitars and creativity instead of bombs and fear. All you need is love.

That fateful day, the world also lost a dreamer who preached the importance of peace and understanding. This was perhaps the one thing about Lennon that caused the greatest amount of cynicism from the media and government. Why was it so preposterous for a man to be so idealistic? President Nixon's administration went as far as to try and have John Lennon deported citing he was an undermining force that could lose him the 1972 presidential election. Why was human equality, something Lennon believed to be a crucial tenet of society, such a threatening concept? Despite the successful deportation of Lennon in 1973, their attempts to usurp the power of a dreamer ultimately failed. The order was lifted in 1975.

In the end, it was not any government that silenced the voice of a generation however. Four bullets from a gun in the hand of a crazed fan ended John Lennon's life on this mortal Earth. Four gunshots turned John Lennon into an eternally revered idol. He was taken from us too soon, but in his 40 years with us he contributed an entire lifetime of ideals and music that will live on.

I invite you to take a moment and imagine, if you will. The man is gone, but the ideals all live within us. Peace. Love. Understanding. There's nothing wrong with any of those. Even in the darkest days of a world fraught with conflict and struggles idealism will not solve the world's problems, but it is a foundation we can all build upon to begin making it a better place to live. If not in the name of John Lennon, then do it in the name of humanity, for dreamer's sake.

Dream on.

¡Muera Viagra!

2008-07-10T20:29:00.000-07:00

OK, I finally reached a point where I need to say something about the ri-damn-diculous Viagra commercials. You know the ones. They all feature that "Viva Viagra" song (a take-off of Elvis Presley's "Viva Las Vegas"). Two in particular strike me as odd. I don't suffer from E.D. so maybe the plight of the flaccid man is lost on me. Perhaps this resonates with these afflicted fellas. Frankly, the thought of some of these older guys like Bob Dole talking about having sex at all leaves me kind limp. Mmmm, Bob and Elizabeth Dole getting freaky all hopped up on fake boner pills....so hot.

The first commercial shows a bunch of guys hanging out in a studio, presumably in Nashville, singing the song and all sharing a chuckle. Yeah, I'm laughing. Nothing says "I suffer from erectile dysfunction" like hanging out in a country recording studio with eight other guys. Where are the ladies? They're hanging out with Kid Rock and Scott Stapp on a tour bus, that's where. I think we saw that video a couple of years ago. So these bonerless musicians are left to hang out together late at night singing about the fact they can now sport wood at home alone. Their dog died. Their truck got repossessed. And they can now pitch a tent after they get kicked out of their homes. Kinda seems like a pretty small ego-booster considering everything else. Here's a thought: maybe after the jam session these guys all have a sausage fest comparing sizes and hanging hats on their revived manhoods. Jesus Harold and Maude.

Let's talk about another one I've seen. It shows a guy pulling into his driveway everyday in his nice sub-compact car. (You can see it here by clicking on the video called "Breakaway".) His wife forces a smile, knowing she just bought some "lady implements" from a recent sex toy party with her girlfriends. So, she's covered. Then one day, the husband pulls into the driveway in a motorcycle. Yeah, way to mix it up, asshat. Brilliant idea considering things are probably strained at home already, you go and blow $20,000 on a hog. Viva Affair! That's what the wife should be thinking. So you both can now ride around the countryside with the wind in our hair dreaming about having sex. But NO! He just discovered Viagra! He took some, and realized maybe he needed something to compensate for the moped in his pants.

These commercials can't be worse than the innuendo-laden Enzyte male enhancement commercials featuring the creepy Bob character. At least Viagra is more subtle. I guess the Viva Viagra commercials could be worse by featuring paraplegic midgets learning how to walk or clowns making huge balloon animals. You see the symbolism? I hope so. Don't make me explain it.

PS - You can see all of the Viagra commercials here. Enjoy.

The Great Beyond

2008-07-08T20:01:00.000-07:00

I've always watched NASA's voyages into space with complete wonder and awe. The human race's ability to venture into a completely unforgiving environment just boggles my mind. Our current missions are built upon decades of research and the guile of men and women who have blazed these trails for 50 years. Some have paid the ultimate price and others have achieved feats once only dreamed about and found in science-fiction films.

I just finished watching the final episode of a Discovery Channel mini-series called The NASA Missions: When We Left Earth. A stunning 6 hours documenting our humble beginning in the space race with the Soviets all the way through our most recent missions to further assemble the International Space Station. I remember the first time I saw the film The Right Stuff. It sparked my interest in following our adventures to the astral frontiers. Hitting theaters in 1983, it was only 3 years from one of the most tragic moments in the world's quest for our new manifest destiny. In 1967, during a launch training exercise, Virgil "Gus" Grissom, Ed White and Roger Chaffee were all killed when their Apollo 1 capsule exploded into flames. Truly a tragic event, with all due respect to those who were lost. However, 1986 was smack-dab in my formative years as a fan of space. It sticks with me today and is still chilling to see the event recapped.

When We Left Earth thoroughly provided a view into the events that unfolded leading up to the Space Shuttle Challenger disaster on January 28, 1986. It was a major event for me, a 5th grader at the time. It featured a widely publicized civilian to be launched into space, teacher Christa McAuliffe. Sadly, only 70 or so seconds after launch the orbiter exploded into flame and left nothing more than an enormous cloud of smoke and two rocket boosters spinning out of control in the sky. Leaving only a 50,000 foot fork piercing the heavens, the shuttle Challenger and its crew were gone. As the documentary replayed this footage, I felt like I was seeing it for the first time. Breathless, I watched. And then they shared a bit of information that I had only understood was legend until now. Based on data from NASA mission logs, three of the crew members actually survived the explosion and jettisoned from the vehicle only to be knocked unconscious. As their momentum carried them close to 70,000 feet above the Earth's surface, they hurtled lifeless and unaware of their impending doom down toward the deep blue ocean below. It was chilling to hear these individuals recount the events and this grisly mental image of these three crew members. It was the first major event in my life where everything seemed to stop at school, at home...everywhere. Eyes were glued to the televisions as we learned more about the disaster and those aboard. President Reagan addressed the nation and it served as some sort of official closure. I'm not a religious man, but his words were touching and provided solace that these brave adventurers were at peace.

Since then we've seen another shuttle (Columbia - February 1, 2003) claim the lives of its crew. We've also witnessed the gaffes with the Hubble Telescope nearly end the NASA program, although less of a human tragedy it was a major mark on the space program. NASA has still pressed on, looking into our universal past and looking to firmly plot out our future in space. I highly recommend seeing this documentary mini-series. For anyone who may be even marginally interested in our space program, it is a beautiful testament to our accomplishments and failures as we, the human race, seek the great beyond.

Yeah, I'm a hooligan...

2008-05-15T20:37:00.000-07:00

The other day I was shamed while getting my hourly refill of caffeine at work. The office matriarch offered one of those backhanded comments that sounded harmless, but really was probably meant to make you feel like shit. She is the office matriarch only because she is the only woman in the office with false teeth and woman parts that dried up during the Truman administration.

I innocently (as I usually do everything...hehe) walked over to the coffee area and began smelling which pot was NOT hazelnut -- because nut or fruit flavored coffee is only for demons and coffeehouse douches. Ask Denis Leary. As I'm ready to pour the first drops of French Roast goodness, she nicely mentions that she doesn't "understand why anyone would drink that dirty water." I froze and looked around for someone drinking piss water out of a spittoon...as I suspected, no one was doing that here in the IT break area. Just me and her. She must be talking to me, I thought. The only thought I could muster was, "Huh?" "That coffee," she said, "it's nothing but dirty water." I force a chuckle, nervously. Guilt starts to set in, like I'm watching porn and I was busted by my grandma. "Naw, it's good stuff," I say. "Well, I liken it to drinking and smoking." I sigh to myself and pour my cup of sin. It was good, and I felt naughty drinking it.

Call It Multi-Tasking

2008-05-05T20:32:00.000-07:00

So, I bought these new keyboard trousers. vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

They're perfect. I can bbbbbbbbbbvvvvvvnnnnnn type while I do "other things". Maybe fire off a few knuckle children in the process. vvvvnnnnbbbbbbmmmgggggg.

And you can hardly even vnmbvmnbvmnbvmnbv tell I'm multi-tasking.

Trouble is, I had to buy a few pairs. ccccccvvvvvbbbbbnnnnnnnn

They keep getting soiled.

That was the most enjoyable blog post yet.

Operators Are Standing...Bye!

2008-04-22T19:55:00.000-07:00

I wish I could be paid to act like a total retard for a living. I do. Instead I do it for free on this blog, but that's beside the point. Have you ever seen those commercials that advertise one of those "as seen on TV" product? The formula is pretty consistent: introduce the product, explain the benefits, then show average people trying to live their lives without it, splash a toll free number on the screen and voilà! I want to be one of those average people in the commercials.

You know who I'm talking about. The lady who obliterates paper towels trying to scrub carpet. The guy who just can't seem to figure out how to drain pasta without getting third-degree burns. The drunk bitch at the party that spills a whole goblet of Riunite Lambrusco on your new, plush white carpeting. I can do all of those things. Well thank god there are products on TV that can prevent all of these acts of ineptitude.

Here's an example. This one features the same creepy bearded guy you'll see on OxiClean™ commercials, Billy Mays. Are you just too damn tired of walking five feet to the light switch? Or are you a demential geriatric who forgets to turn the lights off while you're sitting next to them downstairs? Well you're in luck, lazy fuckers.

HandySwitch™
Note the complete look of defeat on grandma's face when she actually has to get out of bed to turn the light off at night four feet away. Oh the horror.

Are you dumber than a hoe? (No, not the ones who hang out on your street corner.) Does your shovel beat you in Jeopardy every night? Then you need a tool that will have you ditching those uppity garden tools so you can once again be the smartest monkey in your garden. You need one of these!

Awesome Auger™
Note: If using your hoe is causing you physical pain, then you're doing it wrong, dude.

How about when you just need to make a couple gross of meatballs and you can't remember how to shape them? I submit to you this craptastic product. Goodbye, meat dodecahedrons! Hello, meat spheres!

Meatball Magic™
There's no video with this, but imagine Corky getting ready for the Life Goes On cast party. Uh oh, big trouble!

Of course, there are alternatives that will save you money. Use Bounty® paper towels or a cloth, for Jebus sake. Learn how to use a colander, ass wad. And don't host a wine party in your newly remodeled living room with white carpet. Or even better, don't invite Sheila the drunken idiot. And if your kids are absolute hellions that color on walls or throw food, two words: military school.

On the other hand, Billy Mays, give me a call if you have any openings. I'll fuck up your white carpet quicker than drunken Sheila at a colostomy bag party. Did somebody say Zorbeez™? Let's face it. For some stains a good barrel of napalm is the only way to go.

Rollin' Rollin' Rollin'

2008-04-03T19:59:00.000-07:00

Lately I've become re-obsessed with a phenomenon that still puzzles me to this day. It puzzles because you see it and have to ask yourself, "What the fuck is this? Why did you send me this? And where is my gun?" It is a phenomenon known as the "Rickroll".

First I drop the knowledge on you. What is a Rickroll? Urban Dictionary defines it as:

"Tricking someone on the internet into watching "Rick Astley - Never Gonna Give You Up" via links through the internet." --as defined by Moop77, Urban Dictionary

But why Rick Astley? Why not a "Stryper-roll"? Or "Yoko-roll"? Or, even worse, "ColorMeBadd-roll"? I shudder at the thought. I suspect it has to do with the hidden power of Mr. Astley's 1987 hit "Never Gonna Give You Up"...the power to infiltrate your brain and play incessantly in your subconscious PA system like a broken record. It sticks in your head, kids. I've been Rickrolled in the evening and then woke up the next morning with that damn song rattling around in my skull. As I type, it's working its way in there again. Also, it is the embarrassing eighties style visuals of the lanky red-haired Astley doing the dances in the video. He looks like a pastier red-head version of Doogie Howser with an itchy asshole he just can't scratch in public, so he gyrates his ass around to mask the fact. But he dances a lot like me, so who am I to judge?

Rickrolling your friends is a classic prank. You hate it when it happens to you, but you can't wait to pass that link along to another unsuspecting friend as soon as possible. Of course, along with sharing the joy of a Rickroll comes loss of trust and anger. I'm close to losing all of my already depleted cred within a circle of friends because I've sent three separate Rickrolls to them in the past week. They love me right about now.

How can you get in on the action? There are several Rickrolls out there on the interweb. Well here are some of the best Rickroll links, in my opinion:

The Original YouTube Rickroll - This is the video that purportedly started it all.

Getting Rickrolled by the Muppets - Nicely hidden behind a Muppets guise.

The most devious Rickroll EVER - Like a dog humping your leg, you just have to let it finish. Or you kill the browser session with Task Manager. EVIL, like the fruits of the devil.

And if you want to be even trickier with the delivery, you can mask the URL behind a TinyUrl link. Or you can take it offline and do what some guys did in one of the most creative and epic Rickrolls on record. They took boomboxes and blasted "Never Gonna Give You Up" at the Church of Scientology. Yes, they Rickrolled Scientology. That is incredible on so many levels.

What does Rick Astley think of his new found fame? The L.A. Times interviewed Rick about it. "It’s a bit spooky, innit?" You think, Rick?

Never gonna give you up
Never gonna let you down
Never gonna run around and desert you

Sweet Chocolate Christ! Get it out of my head!

If I had a band...

2008-03-24T20:25:00.000-07:00

If I had a band, we'd find our origins in a shady laundromat. I'd be out of quarters, but let my damp whites stay in the dryer a bit longer anyway. Because I've got my keytar, it goes with me everywhere. The drummer, Sven, would be an immigrant from Laos who learned percussion from the local temple as a boy. He's stuck with two sticks and a washing machine lid. It sounds magical, like a tiger mauling in a Vegas show. We're solid.

We'd graduate to bigger venues, of course. Next door to the laundromat, the Italian deli. That's where we'd meet the guitarist/glockenspiel player, Benito. He's not bad, but we don't want a showboat to steal the show. The early songs would be based on our common disdain for Kathy Griffith and fruit-flavored beer...two of the worst things in the world. The angst wreaks like Old Spice, and you would dig it.

While my keytar gently weeps, Sven keeps the beat and Benito fills the spaces. The buzz builds and we'd be signed by a shady guy who claims to make records out of the trunk of his Buick. Likely the same place he kept his second wife before she disappeared. We don't care. It gives us some cred.

Our name would be "Butt Pie" or "Midget Armpit". Benito would leave the band over the decision. We hated that asshole anyway. We're a two-man show and that's how it stays. Sven is the Don Juan of the group. He lands at least one groupie per show. It's the same chick every time, but he's still "the man". I remain the creative-type without any time for a lady or life.

Things grow nicely. We're selling at least one or two hundred records per year when we finally make it to the radio. Dr. Demento puts us at #8 on his countdown. We are now legit and demanding more money. Our manager threatens to beat us senseless. He wins. We can't sell out anyway. Good call, Charlie.

Benito begins bugging us since he now knows he missed a big fucking boat to stardom. We tell him to eat it. We tour the seedy part of town. On tour, Sven catches an STD from a toilet seat. He loses his right arm in the ordeal. He's never quite the same after that. One armed drummers can't be trusted so I fire him and go solo. I'm a legend at this point, anyway.

I write my swan song about the entire history of our band. It's called "Dirty Laundry in a Midget's Armpit." You will have heard of it and love it. It's remixed by DangerMouse many years later. I put out a Greatest Hits EP to fund my LSD habit. Next step, Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

It's a sure fire plan, I just need to find a keytar and kill my washing machine here at home.

Search Engine Obfuscation

2008-03-15T20:49:00.000-07:00

I have to share this. I was just perusing my Google Analytics for this blog. It's amazing to see how people reach this thing. Particularly via Google.

I've covered a fairly wide range of topics in the short amount of posts here. And in writing those, I never imagined the combination of search terms that would lead readers to this kick ass blog. Yeah, that's right. Kick ass blog. I dare you, commenter dudes, to disagree.

I know people hit Google with some crazy ass searches. People with monkey fart fetishes need somewhere to go, right? I know I do. Even Ann Coulter has to let down her bitch facade every now and again. When she does, she takes solace in the fact that she can find a million other people out there with a taste for Simeon flatulence. Mmmmm, bananas.

Here are a few of my favorite Google searches that have landed readers to this blog:

gay cowboy big lebowski
"stephen hawking" "ladies man"
gay baseball players touching nuts

What in the world of Hee Haw are you doing looking for, people? And why are two of my top five referring Google searches about gay cowboys and baseball players touching nuts?

I realize as I'm writing that I'm now only helping my cause by getting myself ranked higher by mentioning all of these terms together in a single post. A fella has to strive for greatness somehow, right?

I might also mention that if you review this post you may also see the following Google searches land people here.

"monkey farts"
Ann Coulter flatulence
gay Simeon big nuts

Awesome. SEO folks would be proud.

Thank You Fantasy News Guys!

2008-03-13T20:07:00.000-07:00

Every day in baseball, from the first crack of a bat in Spring Training to the final out of the World Series, you have guys getting injured. Pitchers with tight forearms or sore elbows, fleet-footed base thieves with sore groins or quad muscles, nearly half of them suffer from some sort of malady throughout the season. It's commonplace. In fact, it's turned the athletic trainer position into a science. Well, it is a science technically, but it's more advanced now than ever. Is that better?

A good trainer knows how to get you fixed and back out on the field in a flash. The key is, not missing any starts if you're a player. And if you're a former Mets trainer, you're also running a lucrative steroid business behind the scenes. And saving used syringes for use in Congressional hearings years from now. Sick fucker. But this is all beside the point. The trainer is there to mend the player and get him back in the lineup.

As a competitor in as many as three fantasy baseball leagues every season, injuries are on my mind. You watch the wire to see who may have pulled up lame or been replaced early in the game. Why did the manager bench him? Is he going on the Disabled List? Shit! As stressful as it may be, it is a fact of life. Injuries happen a lot. What you don't see very often, though, are players being sidelined with injuries like hemorrhoids. What?! Are you serious? I thought those were reserved for middle-aged guys who try too hard to "drop the kids off at the pool" when they are irregular? This is not something you expect to see your second baseman sidelined for...yet I just did.

Kaz Matsui is the starting second baseman for the Houston Astros. He's my backup 2B, and I spent a draft pick on him. He can steal bases and hit for a pretty decent average. But he seems to have a nagging case of the 'roids. No, not steroids, either. This is the second season he's been benched for any amount of time due to the inflamed blood vessels around his anal sphincter. This year, the docs have even gone as far as to diagnose him with anal fissures. Whiskey Tango Foxtrot. What the hell are those? According to MayoClinic.com...

"An anal fissure is a small tear in the lining of the anal canal. Common in infants ages 6 to 24 months, anal fissures are less likely to develop in older children. Adults may develop anal fissures as a result of passing hard or large stools during bowel movements."

Holy hole in the anal canal, Batman. That sounds painful. No wonder it is causing Kaz to miss playing time in Spring Training. Well, at least he can feel at ease that this is something the trainer will keep in the clubhouse. No need for anyone outside to know why he is ailing, right? I mean, all they need to know is, he's out of the lineup. Dear, Kaz. Please do not visit any fantasy baseball sites...ever.

"Joseph Duarte, of The Houston Chronicle, reports Houston Astros 2B Kazuo Matsui (gluteus) is expected to miss four or five days after being diagnosed with a condition known as anal fissure. Matsui will go through individual workouts at the team facility but will not play until at least March 14. Doctors have prescribed a different medication to help alleviate the problem." --as reported by KFFL.com, March 11, 2008

Oh shit. How embarrassing is that? Since the inception of fantasy news, nearly everything goes reported to the community of pasty-faced fantasy geeks, like myself. As a consumer of these news feeds, I can honestly say, I don't need to know that level of it. Seriously, guys. If the dude has a rip in his anus, let him be. Call it a bruised gluteus and leave it at that. It's not as though we're talking about an elbow injury with a pitcher. When you hear that, you automatically start watching to see if it requires surgery. It's a tell-tale sign that the guy may be out a while. How the fuck do you deal with anal fissures as a fantasy team owner? You wait and see, I guess.

Here's to hoping Kaz's ass takes a few days off and heals. And a little more fiber wouldn't hurt either, Kaz. If you're tearing it, dude, you're trying too hard.

The Dude is not in

2008-03-06T19:44:00.001-08:00

I'll be out for the next two days. What could possibly tear me away from the Nut Punch? It is the eve before I embark on a journey to Chicago, Illinois. At 8:00pm CST tomorrow, I will be entering the doors to the Portage Theater. It is time for the first Lebowski Fest Chicago.

As an avid fan of the movie, my love of all things Dude is dwarfed by many others I am sure. I look forward to seeing many of them there. Here's the agenda:

8:00 Doors
9:15 The Steepwater Band
10:15 Blue Moon Swamp (Creedence Tribute!)
11:30 The Big Lebowski!

The Steepwater Band opens the night. Never heard of them before, but they sound intriguing. Then what would a Lebowski event be without some Creedence? Blue Moon Swamp intends to provide just that. I hear they're a pretty good Creedence cover band. I can't wait.

At 11:30, it is the pièce de résistance, a screening of an original 35mm print of the film. It is the tenth anniversary of the original theatrical release of The Big Lebowski. (Well, technically, the movie launched on March 6, 1998, so we're a day off. Who cares?) This is the crown jewel, kids.

I'll be using my Twitter account to keep up on the goings on. So, check back here to see the latest posts if you're not regularly following my illustrious daily events through Twitter.com. I'm giddy like a little girl right now. Tee hee. Can't wait. See you cats on the flip side.

Warning: May Cause Irritation

2008-03-03T17:49:00.000-08:00

I've been out of commission lately with a pretty wicked head cold. And during that time, I"ve had the opportunity to watch a lot of TV. While doing so, I noticed something that had always bothered me, but never really got around to blurting it out. What the hell is it with television commercials and their ridiculous disclaimers? I'm not talking about the amazing side-effects you could experience by taking a certain drug (though explosive diarrhea is a real bummer). I'm talking about the stuff that warns us not to attempt what we just saw or lets us know that what we just saw, may not be real. Thanks for the vote of confidence, asswipes.

Example: Snapple^® Antioxidant Water (Go figure, the online version doesn't have the disclaimer. So feel free to try whatever and know you may have legal recourse should you get injured.)
Synopsis: Guy cracks open a Snapple Antioxidant Water and discovers that the world is now covered with bubble-wrap for his own protection against the world.
The Key Moment: At the end of the commercial he has the brilliant idea to go jump off a skyscraper because, hey, he'll just bounce right?
The Disclaimer: "Do Not Attempt."

I'm left with the complete disappointment that I, too, cannot jump off of a skyscraper without getting hurt. Damn you, Snapple! Isn't this kind of thing against Darwin's little idea? Aren't we improving the species by losing the idiots that think this is really safe to do? Are the folks at these major companies really afraid they'll be sued by a moron that tries it and gets seriously injured? When did we as a civilization leave the realm of common sense? Somebody answer me, dammit! I just don't get it.

Example: Toyota Tacoma Pickup
Synopsis: Hillbillies in the high desert video taping their buddy driving his Toyota Tacoma. In comes a giant meteor and hits the pickup. The pickup survives proving how durable it is.
The Key Moment: Out of the dust and smoke of the meteor impact, you see the pickup survives completely in tact and drives away.
The Disclaimer: Dramatization. Access Cab shown with available TRD Off-Road Package.

So, Mr. Toyota guys, what you're telling me is that you didn't actually have the foresight to predict the time and location of a sizable meteor hitting the Earth? This wasn't real? Or are you telling me that if I don't get the Access Cab with available TRD Off-Road Package, then I'm fucked?

Either way, the fact you had to explain to me that (A) this was not a real scenario and (B) your vehicle is not meteor-proof, is ludicrous. I think if you really want to make this commercial better, you put a Snapple in the driver's hand and bubble-wrap that meteor. And then stop assuming that your entire viewing public is a bunch of booger-eating morons...because in reality, it's more like 13% booger-eating morons. Get rid of the disclaimers and help us lose that 13%. We'll all be better off. Thanks.

Where are we going?

2008-02-23T20:59:00.000-08:00

Recently my daughter (she's 4) has been paying attention to the compass on the rear-view mirror in the car. She's always watching it and blurting out "Now we're going North" when the "N" appears. Tonight on our way home from dinner she hadn't mentioned it yet. So I asked her, "Which direction are we going now, babe?" She simply replied, "Forward."

I was struck by this. It was funny as hell for a bit. My wife and I laughed quietly. After a bit though, I really thought about what she said. In a word she provided some sort of innocent reassurance that we are indeed moving forward, both physically and figuratively. She did nothing but provide the simplest possible answer. There was no deeper meaning intended when the word left her lips.

We are all so far beyond such an elementary answer that her perspective is refreshing to hear. I may have eventually come up with the same with some further questioning, I'm sure.

We're headed home.
"N" - we're going North.
We're going forward.

All the details and my ability to maturely analyze situations just flat would have gotten in the way before I ultimately came up with her reply. Yet, it took her little more than a second to utter that simple truth. "Forward."

Kids do indeed say the darndest things. There's always truth in those statements. There are so many things we need to teach children about the world. It's a constant process to equip them with the best possible information to keep them safe as well as foster their inherent curiosity about the world. I want her to see things sometimes as I see them in order to adequately appreciate what she's experiencing. But that education takes a back seat at times. The teacher then becomes the student. She teaches me to appreciate her ability to see things as she sees them, usually on the simplest possible level. And that is something that can keep us all going forward.

G-Rob's What is Up with Tyler Perry?

2008-02-21T20:39:00.000-08:00

We all know who Oprah is. Besides being the woman with a million times more "kwan" than Rod Tidwell, she is everywhere. I think I had some Oprah Flakes this morning and followed it with Oprah Roast Coffee. That got the systems going and I ended the morning squat with some Oprah Ply Toilet Paper...that's heavy duty stuff, now. She can take any million dollar idea, slap her name on it, and turn it into a freaking trillion dollar enterprise. Part of it has to do with her lemming fans, but that's another post all together. Point is, no matter where you go, you can't go a day without seeing her name. I personally think she has a complex that makes her do amazing things for people less fortunate, but she gets off on seeing her name and face all over it. There's a clinical name for it, I'm sure, but I just don't know it. The amazing this is, her name has never (to my knowledge) been slapped on a piece of crap or dumb idea.

Then there's Tyler Perry. Who? You know. Tyler Perry. The guy who brought you these corn-riddled turds:

Tyler Perry's House of Payne
Tyler Perry's Diary of a Mad Black Woman
Tyler Perry's Why Did I Get Married?
Tyler Perry's Madea's Family Reunion
...and many, many more Tyler Perry's craptastic creations

Seriously, Tyler. Whose freaking family reunion is it? Yours or Madea's? Make up your mind. No wait, Tyler Perry is Madea. He tries to be funny by playing the lead female role in the film. That's hilarious. We'll call this movie by the working title, Eddie Murphy's Idea.

Tyler Perry produces crap and slaps his name on it to warn the viewing public that they are about to watch a steaming loaf of human waste. In a way, he is doing us a service. I'm able to avoid eating goodies out of my yard because they have forever been known as "poisonous". Poison mushrooms, poison berries, poison rat poison, etc. Similarly, Tyler lets us know in the title that what you are about to experience may cause nausea and severe vomiting or diarrhea. Thanks, Tyler.

If we could only get more public figures to throw their names on things. It would save us an assload of time and grief. I would not recommend any of these to anyone.

Michael Bay's Pearl Harbor
Yahoo Serious' Young Einstein
Jewel's Dentist

On second thought, no. The only things you need to put possessive labels on should be your belongings. So grab Tyler Perry's matches and construct a pile of Tyler Perry's wood. Put all Tyler Perry's projects on Tyler Perry's Big New Pile of Wood and set it ablaze. If needed buy some Oprah's Lighter Fluid because I'm not sure how well Tyler Perry's turds burn. Do this and give me a big helping of G-Rob's Satisfaction.

File Under: Why Didn't I Think of That?

2008-02-19T19:40:00.000-08:00

Lately, I've not been able to find a tool more useful than TinyUrl. It's simple. You ever have a URL to which you want to refer someone, but you find it is about 300 characters in length? For example, if you've ever gotten a link from Google Maps, you've seen something like this:

http://maps.google.com/maps?f=q&hl=en&geocode=&q=3+Abbey+
Rd,+London,+NW8+9AY,+United+Kingdom&sll=51.532196,-0.177576
&sspn=0.001176,0.002511&ie=UTF8&ll=51.532073,-0.177332&
spn=0.000588,0.001255&t=h&z=20

Unwieldy and potentially an issue if you email it to someone. (Sometimes email clients tend to word wrap gigantic URLs rendering them useless as a link.) Instead the person is left in copy-paste hell trying to reconstruct the proper URL in a browser -- if they even bother to work with the broken link, that is. Also, if you ever Twitter, you only have 140 characters per post. I'll be damned if I'm using 135 of them for a link. Enter TinyUrl. Paste this enormous URL in and submit it. And it spits out a nice, neat, tiny URL.

http://tinyurl.com/2eznr7

BAM! Clean, concise, and easily fits in any email or Twitter post leaving plenty of room to accompany the link with a brief explanation. You now have a permanent redirect to your URL that is good forever, or at least until Google Maps goes tits up in my example....so effectively, forever.

TinyUrl also offers a browser toolbar to make it even more handy to use. Actually, about the only really, truly awful thing about the service is the fact they link to Ron Paul's official website in the left side navigation. (This would be a good place to insert a contextual link to Congressman Paul's site I realize, but then I too would be part of the problem, you dig?)

The best use of TinyUrl yet is intentionally hiding a URL from the recipient's sight. This is useful for business reasons or just plain old fun.

http://tinyurl.com/2tcnbl

Truth be told, TinyUrl was my second favorite service like this. My favorite was SwiftyUrl. Similar premise, but upon returning a shorter URL for you it also placed that URL into your clipboard. You didn't have to bother highlighting the new URL then copy-pasting the URL anywhere. You're good to go paste it anywhere you want right away. Yeah, may be a bit intrusive for some hard-cores out there having a website insert something into your clipboard, but I found it handy. Also, as a Twitter user, you could follow SwiftyUrl and use them there. Start your post off with @swiftyurl and it would convert any link in that post to a shorter URL. Again, handy.

Now, you educated types can pick up on the past tense here. Something has happened to SwiftyUrl. It's gone from Twitter and the SwiftyUrl website is completely blank. What the hell happened? Perhaps infringing on the TinyUrl premise a bit, not sure. Either way an explanation is due, people. For now, TinyUrl will do nicely.

Get your cup ready, it's back...

2008-02-15T20:13:00.000-08:00

October 28, 2006. That was the last date I entered an update to my blog here. As you might imagine I was off gallivanting and seeing the world; opening my eyes to the scenes and experiences that can only be experienced outside of our own country. These are the places from which one draws inspiration. They are foreign lands that offer perspective that allows us to continue to trod down the path of our own "normal" existence with some newfound hope that one day you will return to see them again. And when you do, it will be as though you're visiting old friends in familiar taverns. You are no longer a tourist but a confident visitor no longer needing a map. You are simply there blending in.

If that is what you imagined I was doing over the past year and a half, you're smoking something really good. Mostly it has been time spent with the family and being lazy about penning brilliantly insightful posts to the fine readers of the Nut Punch. Yes, if you imagined any of that, you were gravely mistaken. Since October 1006 I've seen another addition to the family in the form of a little boy. My daughter has nearly turned 5 and is a real whiz. I've gone through three full bearded phases and the gray hairs have easily tripled, but only on the sideburns and beard thankfully. My love of baseball has not waned, though the shadow of performance enhancing drugs has grown larger. My Colts have won a Super Bowl against my second favorite team, the Bears. Yes, some things have changed in the time since my last post, but many things have not.

We're still mired in a dreadful conflict in the Middle East. The country is still run by wankers who still seem to have only their own interests in mind. The Cubs are, well, still the Cubs -- providing hope yet eventually leading to disappointment. Good friends are still good friends. I'm still happily married. In fact, my wife and I are about to complete our tenth year of marriage.

I have been able to approach the Nut Punch with new found interest as of late. I'm ready to get this ball rolling once again. I feel as though I'm prepared to build some momentum and keep it rolling until my next uncalled-for hiatus. Let's just hope that is a long time from now. Ready? OK, good.

The Ping - The Soft Bulletin

2006-10-28T19:30:00.000-07:00

It's not often you come across entire albums that just set your ears ablaze with psychedelic sounds and symphony while presenting a truly relaxing and full sound that makes you feel like you're in a cosmic daydream. That sentence said a lot. And it no where near describes the true feelings of listening to The Soft Bulletin by the Flaming Lips.

Like Dark Side of the Moon, this album (for me) requires listening from beginning to end when it hits the iPod. Wayne Coyne leads the charge here as the mastermind behind it all. He throws beautiful symphonic sounds, truly odd lyrics and an overall delightful sound at you with vocals that allow you to sing along.

The group hit the top 40 back in 1993 when they had some popular radio success with the tune "She Don't Use Jelly". If you remember that song, forget it completely. Pretend you've never even heard of the Flaming Lips. You know nothing and have heard nothing. Go to your library or a store and find The Soft Bulletin. My favorite tunes are "Feeling Yourself Disintegrate" (lovely and ethereal) and "What Is the Light?" (upbeat and catchy).

Make it your personal soundtrack for a week and then let's talk about how you feel. The answer will be "better". Then you'll thank me.

The Ping - Spirit of Eden

2006-10-18T19:42:00.000-07:00

This is my first post since May of this same year. About 5 months have passed and I've had plenty to write about, but no inclination to blog it to you fine folks...until now.

Recently I was handed a link to a review of a record I'd never heard of, recorded by a group I had only briefly heard about year ago. Spirit of Eden by Talk Talk is what stirred me out of my blog coma. It needs to be shared. Give it a few listens and you'll understand why. I'll include the link to the review later in this post, but read it after I've waxed a while here, please.

My life, like all lives, is full of personal moments either driven from deep introspection or purely out of external stimulus. I'm referring to those moments you have to yourself when you think about things only you think about (the internal) or when you sit reconsidering your role in an event in your life (the external). I have a second child on the way so I'm starting to rediscover some of the more beauteous things in life that I'll get to share with my son when he's born. I also think about what lies ahead for my 3 year old daughter as she grows into this crazy world. I think about the grief I've felt as far back as 10 years ago when I lost a dear great-grandmother while studying overseas. My own personal reflection, appreciation and remembrance

Often times when I'm deep within these moments, I might think of a song I've heard recently to provide a soundtrack to my introspection. Until last week, I had no idea Mark Hollis and the gents from Talk Talk had written a beautiful epic soundtrack for such occasions. When I listen to this album, I see things so much more clearly in my mind. I'm taken to emotions that I hadn't experienced before while daydreaming of these same episodes all those countless times in the past.

The music is truly personal with mysterious lyrics at times and an even more mysterious, airy sound. It's a progressive composition not fit for live performances, which was exactly what the band conveyed to their label (EMI) at the time. The band holed up in an abandoned church and didn't emerge until they had laid down six complete tracks exploring the spaces of rhythm and melody rarely revealed in records of their day back in 1988. The album is a departure from the popular record and, while elevating them to some higher plane of their own musical existence, it turned into a swan song for the group. I don't believe they ever recorded together again, nor do I believe they should have. The greatest thing an artist can do after such an accomplishment is walk away. The world would know little about them or the album on the larger stage of popular music, but Spirit of Eden would stand as their lasting legacy left to be discovered by those who look hard enough. If you go in search of beauty, you will eventually be rewarded.

Create upon my flesh
Create a home within my head
Take my freedom for giving me a sacred love
--from the song "Wealth"

The aforementioned review is one that is deeply personal and could not possibly have told the story of the album any better. It's incredible, in my opinion. Read this outstanding review of Spirit of Eden.

After you read it, go find the record at a store or at your local library. Listen to it when you have time to spend with it. You won't be disappointed. I'd like to thank Chris for sharing this with me. As silly as it may sound, it has changed me as a fan of music.

Introspection

2006-05-19T20:00:00.000-07:00

Probably the worst kind of nut punch is the self-inflicted kind. You realize you've been a jerk or uptight asshole to someone. The pain takes time to hit you. And when it does, you hurt worse than anything you could physically imagine. The pain isn't a burning in the groin, it is a pain in your heart.

Raising a child is one of the toughest tasks I've ever imagined. It is tough in the respect that you are delivered hits -- both physical and mental -- but you are eventually rewarded with something so simple as a smile. When you are, it feels better than anything in the entire world.

Lately it has been very trying, as my daughter recently turned 3. She's entered a stage of tamtrums that can occur out of nowhere. And as a parent, the manner in which you deal with it speaks louder than the loudest yell you could ever dole out. I'm beginning to realize my way of dealing with situation has caused intense stress and grief on my mind. It makes me question my real constitution. I used to think I was a pretty collected individual, capable of rolling with the punches. Now, I'm not so sure.

Tantrums consist of flailing kicks and swinging arms intended to show her displeasure with a situation, not meant to inflict pain. Every emphatic "NO!" from her cuts to the bone. Am I just not doing something right? Am I forcing her to be stressed out by becoming stressed myself? Am I taking it all too personally? I think yes to all of the above.

I just want to raise a responsible, caring child. She's a strong-willed little girl; stubborn at times. Those minutes of sheer frustration and crying hurt me almost more than she could ever imagine. She doesn't know that. She just wants to delay going to bed another 5 minutes while by finding reasons to stay up. Trips to the bathroom, 5 per night sometimes. Or she just wants to read another story.

I just stood in her room and watched her sleep for while. Silence. It was beautiful because it was only interrupted by the complete innocence of a child's slumber. Tomorrow is a new day. New battles, new smiles. All of this is "just a phase", I am sure.

Tonight as I left her room after putting her to bed she said, "Daddy. I just wanted to tell you something."

"What is it, honey?"

"I love you, Daddy."

I love you, too. I love you, too.

Judas Fleeced

2006-04-11T09:17:00.000-07:00

Anyone else starting to think twice about this Gospel of Judas thing?
Since you asked, here's my take...

Scientists discovered these lost manuscripts somewhere in Egypt along
the Nile basin. They supposedly clear the name of Judas Iscariot. He
was not the betrayer as the church and other New Testament stories
portray him. Jesus went to Judas, who would have had to be a damn
good friend, and says, "Look, I know I'm supposed to die for the sins
of all of humanity. I was wondering if you could do me a favor..."

Or perhaps, Judas wasn't that good of friends with Jesus. Maybe he
was just looking for an out so he could legitimately release himself
from "the Cougars" if you will. "Once you're in, you're never out,
Judas." So, in realizing his fate, Jesus approaches Judas. And to
Judas' delight, he might get to be the one to turn him in to
authorities to fulfill his role in history. then, Judas realizes he
did just contribute to the execution of Jesus. He needs to get his
story out there. Some quick "good" press is required...STAT. Who
wants to forever have their name applied to people who betray friends?
Holy sh!t. Jesus had to know that he wasn't happy being in the
Cougars. So that savvy son of a b!tch asked me to do this knowing it
would be easy for me to turn him in...then he also knew I would stew
forever as the stooge that killed the king of kings. And even if the
world didn't turn on me, my conscience would do the job nicely.

So, Judas either pens -- or pays someone to write for him -- a series
of leaflets to be deposited along the banks of the Nile for all of the
people to read. "Maybe he can generate some positive buzz around his
name. People will read the leaflets and perhaps think, "Hey, maybe
this Judas guy wasn't so bad after all. Jesus asked him to do it.
Hey, Slaves R Us is offering 2 Jews for the price of one today.
Sweet. Let's go."

Judas' campaign was not very successful. He threw what was left of
his pamphlets on the banks of the Nile and sat to reflect. "Maybe
I'll just settle for having my name used as the name of a band. A
rock and roll band. Yeah. Jesus can't say that much."

Even 1000s of years later, now that these leaflets have been found,
the church says, "Hell no. This can't be real. Judas was a
m*therf*cker. We know. John Paul II went to high school with him."
So the next time a Buzzsawer asks you to spill the beans to his wife
about the tawdry night out with the boys because he feels he needs to
be punished mercilessly, ask yourself....WWJD, kids. What would Judas
do? Then tell the wife everything and watch your buddy fry. Because
that's the kind of sh!t that makes the Buzzsaw what it is. Thank you,
Judas, for showing us the way.

Lazy People Beware!!!

2006-02-10T08:01:00.000-08:00

There is an already VERY lazy person who works in our building here who recently broke a leg or something. OK, wait...let me start off with "why" I think this person is uber lazy to begin with.

I work in a 2 story building. Employees walk in through the lobby, they get their ID checked then most go up the simple 2 flights of stairs to the 2nd level. Most -- that is -- except for a select few, including handicapped individuals or others who physically cannot ascend a staircase. However, there is one individual -- we'll choose a non-gender specific name like Pat here for anonymity, as there are millions of people reading this right now -- that does not show any sign of a handicap as Pat can easily walk all over this building without an issue.

I have followed Pat in from the parking lot before. We both get our IDs checked then I proceed up the stairs (there can't be more than 30 steps), but Pat goes right to the elevator. Pat pushes 2 on the lighted panel, and Pat is on the 2nd floor. I should also add that the staircase and elevator both empty out only 5-10 feet from where Pat's desk is. So, there appears to be no physical handicap or proximity advantage to taking the elevator. It is just 100% pure laziness. And I find it horribly annoying.

Now over the past couple of weeks I have seen Pat only a handful of times. But I noticed that Pat has suffered some sort of leg injury that requires a cast. One of the plastic RoboCop kind, not a big plaster job. If I'm not mistaken, it might even be one suited for walking with the rounded foot on the bottom. And if I recall my vast medical knowledge (which doesn't exist), those casts are designed for the wearer to walk in order to strengthen the injured leg. Am I wrong?

Back to Pat. Pat doesn't walk around the building. Nor does Pat use crutches. No, I suspect that would require too much effort. Pat opted for the little step stool looking implement with wheels that allows the injured Pat to rest the cast-laden leg on a little step and scoot around on wheels using Pat's good leg. All weight is transferred to the wheeled stool all but alleviating all effort in getting around the office. Is it me, or is this just fucking ridiculous?

I'm not the most physical person here. I don't work out regularly, but I do refuse to be lazy. Bottom line, I am not sedentary. So seeing Pat tooling around on Pat's little scooter just gets under my skin something horrible. Pisses me off, almost.

10 Years Later...

2006-01-26T07:12:00.000-08:00

On a cold wintery Chicago evening, more than 20 American college students boarded a British Airways flight bound for a life changing experience in Aberdeen, Scotland. I was one of those students in the GLCA Study Abroad program as a representative of Wabash College. I'm here to testify, it indeed impacted my life greatly in so many positive ways. It is worthy of a 10 year anniversary post on my blog.

It was January 25th when Team Wabash gathered at the airport bar watching all of the other Aberdeen-bound students showed up. We drank in honor of Brian Samuels' 21st birthday. We sized everyone up and probably looked like a real menacing group as we were the only ones drinking and judging everyone else.

Many first impressions were made in that airport. "Fanny Pack Boy" and "Doo Rag Guy" cemented their place as official tools and I made the silent decision NOT to be seen or associated with these dudes -- ever. There was the lone Depauw girl. She was not only a sub-standard individual for having attended Depauw, but let it be noted she was also a bitch. There were also delegations from Hope, Albion, Wooster, Guelph (Toronto), Alma and others.

We landed in Aberdeen, Scotland by way of London on the morning of January 26, 1996...exactly ten years ago today. And thus, it began....

The first day in Aberdeen was overwhelming to say the least. We had our orientation with Graham Tengrove, the GLCA liaison in Aberdeen, and got to mingle amongst all of the other American students in our program for the first time. We mingled amongst representatives from the various student activities at University of Aberdeen. Sailing club, basketball, football (that's soccer, you American dolts), rugby...this place had everything. Brian Samuels, Parker Lyons, Craig Miller, Brent Eaton and I all signed up for lacrosse. It was a co-ed club league and we got to learn the ins and outs of lacrosse basics and even play in games. I ended my lacrosse career with 1 goal (Samuels got the assist), 1 assist and innumerable penalties.

After the student mixer there were two American students on the year-long program that took us on a pub crawl. One of the crawl guides was Ron from Earlham. Ron was the gayest man I'd ever met and more than willing to let you know it too, not there's anything wrong with that either. We learned about 5 weeks later that Ron had effectively flunked out of Aberdeen and was forced to return to Earlham.

Let's just say the pub crawl was a little hazy. But I distinctly recall having a conversation with a girl from Alma College about half-way through the evening. Easter Break was still 3 months away (during which we had three and a half weeks to do anything we wanted) and everyone was already talking about what they were going to do and where they were going to go. The Alma girl and I talked about traveling together. Purely platonic, just geeked American students. It never came to fruition anyway, but it was comforting to get to know someone enough that you'd be willing to travel for almost a month with them. As it ended up I traveled Europe with Craig Miller. We had a blast and that trip is best left to another post of its own one day.

Long story short, I ended up crashing at the Alma girl's flat that night after the pub crawl. Seriously, nothing happened. Just sleepy time. We had an early orientation session the next morning. It was already not going to be pretty with the wicked impending hangover, but walking in after the first night there with one of the girls in our group...that's just begging for grief from your comrades. Well, we made it there and late to boot.

It was a memorable and great introduction to University of Aberdeen. From there things played out like a dream I want to relive over and over still to this day. I met so many new people, some with whom I still keep in contact, from Scotland and elsewhere. I even got to know fellow Wabash students I had never even seen, let alone met before. Some of these guys will be life-long friends of mine and for that I am grateful.

And most importantly, I met the woman who would ultimately become my wife. Yeah, that girl from Alma College (how'd you guess?). We got married in 1998 in the Wabash College chapel and have a 2 year old daughter now. I'd go do it all again and I wouldn't change a thing.

DrG Radio Is On the Air

2006-01-22T19:36:00.000-08:00

So, I was playing around this weekend on the computer and decided to undertake a new challenge. How could I take my extensive MP3 collection and make available as a streaming radio station online?

I came across a website that would allow me to do just that and it was a snap, surprisingly. SHOUTcast offers a free download of its SHOUTcast Server software (it's freeware to be specific) to get you started. It's a quick download and install process. It's the configuration that could be tricky, though, depending on your PC and home network configuration. Any questions, just add a comment to this post and I’ll do my best to answer.

I installed SHOUTcast at home on my Windows XP machine with only a 900mHz CPU and 256MB RAM. A trusty old machine I built almost 8 years ago now, and it keeps on humming with every add-on I install. I'm attached to a 100Mbps cable modem behind a firewall. The firewall is an absolute must for anyone attempting to do anything on the web. NEVER open your "doors" to the world without at least a well-configured firewall and anti-virus software in place.

Once installed, I went through some minor personal preferences in the configuration (mainly, limit the number of users connected to my music stream to 5) and start the SHOUTcast Server up with a simple double-click. I went with the GUI install, instead of the Console Version. Not sure why. I just figured if I was doing this for the first time, I'd rather have a visual than fiddle around with a command line or something. It's just a personal learning curve thing.

Now that you have the server, you need a stream of music to broadcast. For this setup, you use Winamp v2.05 or greater to play the files that are broadcast. Just download the SHOUTcast DSP Plug-In for Winamp, available here with more helpful instructions. Install the plug-in and configure it properly.

You're now all set to begin broadcasting. The question now is, what to broadcast? I simply chose to browse through my library of tunes and pick several groups I like and threw them into a new play list. I shuffled the play list files and put the entire thing on "repeat all" mode. In all, I have almost 550 songs in a constant rotation from System of a Down to Coldplay. All over the place.

To see details on a station, simply open an internet browser and go to http://your_address:port# and it will show you such detail as the last 15 songs played on the station (a configurable number, by the way), and other general info on the broadcast stream. You can log in to the admin console and see the other users connected, you can ban them, kill their connection, and other cool administrative powers.

There are a ton of features I haven't even toyed with yet, but so far, I'm happy. Commercial-free tunes from groups I like. What's not to love?

To listen to "DrG Radio" open your preferred music player on your PC and open a URL connection [add a comment to this post to get the address]. Rock on, kids.

And Now uh...word

2006-01-16T20:11:00.000-08:00

I thought I'd take a quick break from my usual meaningless drivel and deliver something meaningful. Ahem, yeah...meaningful.

Busted Tees has got to be one of the finest collections of t-shirts I've ever seen. They have hopped right on the wave of simple, humourous tees and taken it to another level. How about the shirt pictured here in this post. What Nintendo generation kid wouldn't want one of these?

Other classics:

You Have Died of Dysentery - A tribute to the classic game "Oregon Trail".
Prose Before Hos - Yeah, bitch. Ole Will Shakeyshake knows what's up.
Without Me It's Just Aweso - Do the math, Corky. You'll figure it out.

and just what everyone was thinking last year...

Pedro Lacks Political Experience - I thought so.

And if the shirts themselves aren't humorous enough, the models (if you dare call them that) wearing the shirts can cause a chuckle or two themselves. Try the Greece tee to see what I mean. What the fuck is up with that guy. Anyway.

I'm getting no money or anything from these guys whatsoever. This is strictly out of total respect for the shirts these guys put out. Peace.

The Ping - Aperitif for Destruction

2006-01-16T12:26:00.000-08:00

OK, what's music without some sense of humor, right? This is coming from quite possibly one of the biggest "Weird Al" Yankovic fans growing up. He blew the parody genre out of the water and single-handedly turned it into a multi-million dollar business. Who can forget albums like Weird Al in 3D, Polka Party, and Dare to Be Stupid. Classics. In that same vein, I now bring you the following...

Ladies and Gentlemen, brace yourselves for the leisure suit-laden guy so cheesy, they named it after him...Richard Cheese. In case you've ever wondered what 2 Live Crew, Guns N Roses or Alice In Chains would sound like as a lounge act, now you can find out. Richard Cheese can take any popular rap, rock, metal or hip-hop tune and turn it into pure lounge crap -- very entertaining and funny lounge crap, that is. I give you Aperitif for Destruction, kids.

Richard opens the album up and goes right for the throat...so to speak...with "Me So Horny". Now you know what they were actually saying when 2 Live Crew released it. I know I was amazed. He somehow makes it sound so smooth as asks the rhetorical question on all guys' minds: "What's wrong, Baby Doll, with a quick nut?" Thanks for keeping it real, Richard.

Musically, the album is excellent. They can really play a mean "Welcome to the Jungle", no joke. It comes complete with piano intro mimicking Slash's scorching guitar.

Like most good artists these days, Richard collaborates with a friend to bring you a remake of "The Girl Is Mine" (McCartney/Jackson). It's quite a surprise guest, really. I had no idea Stephen Hawking could sing, let alone play a ladies man and proclaim "she told me I'm her forever lover." Considering the last man to state that fact was Michael Jackson, I'd be willing to believe Stephen Hawking is more suited for the role of ladies man than Jacko. A funny remake of this song, I must admit.

Now when I got to "Do Me" I wasn't sure whether there much to do with this song to make it interesting. Richard proved me wrong. He also shows how much of a diva he can be. When he thinks the song is "Dome", the studio engineer has to correct him that it is two words "do" and "me". Well, the temper tantrum that ensues rivals Casey Kasem chewing the head off his assistant for being late with his latte he ordered.

"Uno, Dos Tres, Quatorze!...Domingo Sangre Domingo!" Yes, it's U2 with a Latino flair, kids. Well done, Richard. Muy bien! More good music on this cover of “Sunday Bloody Sunday”. The horns know their stuff (as a long time trumpet player and band geek, I'm allowed to say that without getting beat up…right?).

Other tunes include Green Day's "American Idiot", Violent Femmes' "Add It Up", Alice In Chains' "Man In The Box" and The Killers' "Somebody Told Me". Overall I'd give this a 2 out of 5 stars on my highly official rating scale. It would be a 3 to 3.5, but the replay factor is very low since they kind of lose their comedic value after 1 or 2 listens. Don't let the 2 stars deceive you. This is still a required listen for everyone out there.

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Good night.

The Ping - Franz Ferdinand, Archdukes of Glasgow

2006-01-13T13:01:00.000-08:00

I sat down and watched the 2004 Grammy Awards ceremony in its entirety -- my first in many, many years. I was waiting to catch a performance by a great upcoming band called Robert Randolph & the Family Band. Fantastic music, kids. Check 'em out. Unfortunately, not the focus of this ping, though.

I'd started to hear buzz about this group named after an Austro-Hungarian Archduke. They hailed from Scotland, Glasgow to be precise. And their music was poised to take America by storm with a giant explosion of Brit-Punk sporting an 80s flair. Ladies and Gentlemen...Franz Ferdinand.

My introduction to these guys had occurred while playing an EA Sports game -- either MVP or Madden, don't remember which. The song was "Take Me Out". It later gained worldwide airplay and became the official song of the PlayStation Portable device commercials.

After they performed on the Grammys I had to hear more. They were raw excitement on stage. I walked on into my PC, hopped onto iTunes and bought their self-titles debut album, Franz Ferdinand. Keep in the mind, the band had not finished playing their Grammy set more than 5 minutes at this point.

The album is a 100% piece of platinum. There's not a single riff on this album that isn't catchy. Nothing complex or too ornate, just the classic 2 guitar, 1 bass and 1 drum kit configuration. it is clear when listening to their music, these guys have a fun wit and charm about them.

Franz Ferdinand contains odes to women ("Jacqueline"), subtle sexual references ("Darts of Pleasure"), and even some sort of homoerotic or cross-dressing tune ("Michael"). But it's more than just sex. "Tell Her Tonight" is a head-bobbing throwback of a song. But for me, I'm still a fan of "Take me Out". Its guitar and tough licks in the opening to the way it resolves into the main tune. Man, these guys rock.

They recently released their much-anticipated second effort You Could Have It So Much Better. In truth I think it was met with mixed reviews. Most of what I read praised them for a strong sophomore album, but it was much the same sound as the first album. To me, more is better with Franz Ferdinand. If it ain't broke, don't fix it, I say. Why should they change their sound or mess with a winning formula?

You Could Have It So Much Better is loaded with good stuff. You could say there are fewer intentionally subtle sexual references, but perfection nonetheless. Their first single release from the album, "Do You Want To", is apparently a series of dialogues as overheard at a party. A great song, indeed. There just isn't a bad track on this album.

If there's one thing I hear more of on this album over the first, it is the presence of offbeat drumming and high hat cymbal. On a personal note, I always find myself playing the drum kit on my steering wheel while driving. I can usually get the drums to an entire album down in about a week or so. I'm still trying to figure out drummer Paul Thomson's technique. I don't play air guitar and belt out tunes in the car...I play the drums and belt out tunes. And this album is a real challenge on that front.

I consider both Franz Ferdinand and their follow-up You Could Have It So Much Better 4 out of 5 stars on my unofficial, highly technical rating system. Get 'em now!

The Ping - Lullabies to Paralyze

2006-01-12T13:49:00.000-08:00

This is my first time ever really listening to Queens of the Stone Age. I was first introduced to them, oddly enough, through an appearance on Saturday Night Live this past season. Will Ferrell hosted as an alumnus of the show. During their second performance on the show, QOTSA took the stage and played the cowbell-laden "Little Sister" (from Lullabies to Paralyze). Throughout the entire song a cowbell drives the beat and if I had my wits about me at 12:45AM on a Sunday morning, I would have been watching for what happened next. Gene Frenkle (Ferrell), the fictitious 5th member of Blue Oyster Cult, took the stage mid-song with the cowbell and the rest was history. (I really wish I could find a reliable site that hosts the video of the performance. It was epic.)

The album itself starts with a subtle lullaby-style song but after that, takes you on a rock (if you'll pardon the term) tour de force. Lullabies to Paralyze is one of the most legitimate and solid rock albums I've heard in a very long time. Nearly the entire album consists of freestanding tunes with tightly played guitar riffs and well-mixed vocals.

The band didn't do it all themselves, though. They had some help from some friends in the industry. Shirley Manson lends her vocals to a track "You Got a Killer Scene." Not one of my favorites, but it is still a good song on all fronts. In fact, it sort of has the feel of a Garbage song in parts, to be honest. Billy Gibbons (one of the bearded axe players from ZZ Top) joins in on "Burn the Witch". His eerie background vocals and harsh, bluesy guitar make the tune roll along like an upbeat death march –very cool. Yet other visitors from QOTSA’s past contribute on this record. Since I know little of their history, I won't go into further detail on that. I will only add that this group has had some pretty impressive talent on tap in the past, not the least of all being Dave Grohl.

Since I got it, the tunes have been in a heavy rotation on my iPod. I'd give this album a very solid 4 out of 5 stars. I'd also highly recommend it to anyone who has not listened to the Queens of the Stone Age much. You may be as pleasantly surprised as I was. And if you take my advice and borrow it or buy it, give it a few listens before you really judge it. One more thing, here's my challenge to you: While listening, I dare to not bob your head or tap your foot to “Little Sister.” It's damn near impossible.

The Ping of the Musical Radar: Foreword

2006-01-12T11:08:00.000-08:00

OK, it's been a few weeks since I've posted anything. In that time I've had time to think and reflect. I've also had time to get food poisoning, during which time I felt like an Olsen twin trying to make weight. For the record, the culprits... 2 Supreme Chalupas and a Soft Taco from the Bell. Anyway, I'm good now.

I've found new life in music these days. For years I followed the jam band scene almost exclusively, listening to Phish, moe., the Grateful Dead, Medeski, Martin & Wood, etc.

And I found an incredible amount of redeeming value in it. It was a time in my life
when you'd not catch me being "very un-dude". I felt more centered and inspired when I listened to some of the fantastic work created by these groups.

To shatter the sterotype and perhaps your mental image right now...I didn't wear dreads. I didn't live and die by the hooka. And I wasn't willing to give you "nugs for your extras". It was all about the music for me. Then came the bomb in late May 2004. Phish frontman, Trey Anastasio, wrote in a press release on the band's website...

"Last Friday night, I got together with Mike, Page and Fish to talk openly about the strong feelings I've been having that Phish has run its course and that we should end it now while it's still on a high note."

I now had to bid a respectful farewell to a band that single-handedly wrote the soundtrack to my formative high school and college years, and beyond. Admirably, they not only recognized they were threatening to become a "has been" act, but they pulled a Seinfeld and went out on top. Very impressive for one of the top grossing live acts of the 90s and early 2000s. Alas, I was left without a soundtrack and it was bumming me out.

So over the next several days I will showcasing a group/album. These are all recent musical discoveries for me. They may be old news to many of you, which I completely expect. My renewed interest in popular music means I'm starting from square one. So excuse me while I catch up and wax pop rock. Stay tuned.

404 - Meaningful Content Not Found

2006-01-03T09:07:00.000-08:00

So, it's been a rather quiet couple of weeks around Nut Punch. I just returned from a sabbatical during which I studied the mythology of Greek, Norse and Egyptian cultures. I also spent time in the Philippines, Guadalcanal, Normandy and on my couch. It was revitalizing, let me tell you.

The mythological studies were first on my agenda. I discovered no matter how much they try, Norse cultures cannot compete against the wrath of Zeus and his meteor showers. Similarly, Egyptians are allergic and crumble at the presence of locusts. As Gregorius, I became supreme ruler of the Ancient World. Of course, this was all while playing Age of Mythology. A rather old game according to most gamers, I'm sure. I find it a fun way to spend an hour or two; building my own civilizations and crushing others. Seriously, that meteor shower thing is damn righteous to drop on a town. It's utterly devastating.

When not crushing civilizations and exercising my god-like powers, I was shooting Japs and Krauts in Medal of Honor: Allied Assault and Rising Sun. Cool games. Again, old by most gamer standards, but oh well. Did you know a Kraut's head explodes when you place a single shot from a Thompson right between his Nazi eyes? You do now. By the way I know "kraut" and "jap" are not the preferred nomenclatures here, but in the games that is what they refer to the enemy as. So get over it.

Why so much gaming? (which is highly out of the ordinary for me, by the way) I was graced with a brand new 19" LCD monitor for Christmas. It rules the school, kids.

As you may have noticed, I really have little to contribute yet after my extended time away from society. The holidays came and went with stress and much whiskey involved. So if you're one of the few people with an RSS feed to this blog, please PLEASE do not unsubscribe based on the content (or lack thereof) in this post. I'm trying to find my muse. Stay tuned for something more interesting like a diatribe on Jesus' Birthday or something cool like that.

Happy Birthday, Jesus!

2005-12-21T10:12:00.000-08:00

Here it is nearing holiday zero hour, only 3 days until that fat bastard tries to squeeze his ass down our non-existent chimney on Christmas eve. This year I think I'll try to convince my brother-in-law to sit up with me and drink beer until we see the fat man. And when we do...well, I'm not sure yet but I'm sure it will have something to do with shouting "Happy Birthday, Jesus!" and Santa getting arrested on a B&E (that's Breaking & Entering for you suburbanites).

Had an interesting little conversation with my wife the other day. If historical texts tell us anything reliable, it seems Jesus was born in the Spring sometime. Then why is it we celebrate his birth on December 25th? Please feel free to add a comment to this post if you have any insight on this.

So in honor of the Jesus' birthday, this is the week that folks slack off at work at a professional level. Everyone is apt to slack here and there, these are the amateur slackers. However, they quickly soar up the ranks of slackology when the week of Christmas comes around, especially when there is an impending week long vacation to follow the holiday...speaking from experience. So, in light of the holiday season slacking potential, I submit to you some good time wasters.

Go surf your local Library catalog for CDs, preferably their online catalog. You'd be god damn amazed what music your local library possesses. And the best part is it is all either free or available for a nominal $.50 fee. You get it for 3 weeks, too. (Details subject to change based on where the hell you live, of course.) So, I picked up an album I can honestly say I wouldn't go and buy -- which is the quintessential beauty of the library system, try things risk-free. It's an album called Aperitif for Destruction by a guy named Richard Cheese. Mr. Cheese is a straight up lounge act who remakes many top rock, hip-hop and alternative hits....leisure suit style. Check it out, I promise you'll laugh as he remakes Me So Horny and teams up with Stephen Hawking to remake The Girl Is Mine from Paul McCartney and Michael Jackson.

Side Note: You know how weird it is to think about that song now? It portrays Paul McCartney and Michael Jackson pseudo-arguing over a woman. Back in the day, it seemed mildly plausible. But when you hear it now, you have to wonder if they were talking about the same woman? Was Paul singing about some hot broad and Jacko singing about her 5 year old daughter? Makes you think, eh?

Something else you can do, go to Brain Bashers for your daily fill of puzzles, games and sudoku. There is so much stuff on this site, I can't even begin to do it justice. I particularly dig the sudoku puzzles. If you haven't tried them before, I highly recommend them if you like to think. So, I suggest you cook up a huge batch of meth and get ready to stay up for 5 days straight playing Brain Bashers games. Or at least plan on a 3 day bender so when you're nice and baked 3 days from now, you can really freak out when a fat guy in a red suit appears out of the ashes of your fireplace. You can merrily exclaim to him as he rides out of sight in terror, "Ride the snake, Santa, and to all a good night!"

Rudolph Revisited

2005-12-18T20:20:00.000-08:00

My daughter is 2 and a half this Christmas. This is when the holiday season becomes magic again for me, but as a parent this time around. Everything is twice as exciting and cool as usual. I've always been a fan of Christmas time, but over the years it has lost some luster. I no longer get to relish every hour of December leading up until the big day. It seems in recent years I just fight to survive the holiday season and maybe take a few hours on Christmas Eve to partake in some revelry...which usually involves some Scotch or Bourbon.

So in the true spirit of the Christmas season, we watched for the Christmas specials to make their rounds on the networks. You know the ones, Frosty the Snowman, How the Grinch Stole Christmas, It's Called Kwanzaa Charlie Brown, etc. And then there is the pinnacle of Christmas shows...Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. This Rankin-Bass classic of old school stop frame animation including questionable mouth-voice synchronization, weird sound effects, awkward puppets, man this thing has everything. This is one of those shows you swore was about 2 hours long as a kid. It seemed to go on forever. Come to find out around age 15, it is only 1 hour. What a jip!

Well, I sat down and watched Rudolph with my daughter. It was her first time ever seeing it. She was hooked. They had her at "Now you know dasher and dancer..." And thank you to DVRs, we have now seen it an amazing, magical 25 times since then. And this time around, something just didn't seem right. I started to notice a few differences between the original and the one aired recently. I was able to confirm with a co-worker that it did indeed change this year. (As a side note, said co-worker has seen Rudolph every year since he was a wee lad. Never misses it. So, he is my resident expert on the subject of reindeer with non-conformities of the nose.)

For anyone who is an expert on the show will know, the scene with Hermie and Rudolph singing the misfits song used to include them building a snowman that looked like the evil elf boss. Then, Hermie would punch the snowman in the nose. If you watched it this year, you saw that they neither build the snowman, nor punch it in the nose. Instead the snowman is already there and they walk over it without destroying it, mind you. So there was finally someone at CBS that said, "You know, maybe Rudolph is too violent. Let's cut the snowman punch." (And in case you were wondering the 'snowman punch' has nothing to do with the 'donkey punch.')

My resident expert and I both started thinking, what would be the next things to get cut? How about when Rudolph's mother wants to accompany his father, Donner, in finding their runaway son. Donner tells her she should stay in the cave because "this is man's work." Yeah that's the next thing to go, we're pretty sure.

Just a sign of the times, I guess. I'm surprised it has taken this long to edit such a classic piece of television. And it is clear I am officially outside of the age range that enjoys Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer on its own, but I've just entered the point in my life where I get to enjoy it with my daughter in a whole new way. Touching eh? Now, if I can just get her to give me the remote. Changing channels is man's work, after all.

Don We Now Our Gay Cowboy Movie?

2005-12-15T19:26:00.000-08:00

In a struggling Hollywood plagued by huge budget box office flops and more remakes than a Rod Stewart album, there comes a fresh -- no, wait...a unique, well yeah it's unique but it's more...what's the word I'm looking for...oh yeah, ORIGINAL -- an original screenplay that is bound for controversy and probably lots of critical success.

Imagine if you will George W. Bush on his ranch. He's rustlin' cattle and eating meat and potatoes and being very macho (quite a vision, isn't it?). Now, also imagine Sam Elliott's character from The Big Lebowski that lives nearby. Two cowboys, tough and leathery watch the sunset by the fireside eating chuck wagon beans and getting hammered on whiskey. For a moment let's pretend they aren't eating beans, but enjoying some tube steak and a side of reach-around. W with his leathery lips wrapped around Sam's junk, they fall in love under the moonlight after a hot and heavy drunken sexual encounter.

Now, picture that story played out more completely on the movie screen. Ang Lee (Sense and Sensibility, 1995), a well respected Chinese born director, has recently finished post-production on his latest film Brokeback Mountain. It's a story of two cowboys that do all the stuff cowboys do, but they're gay. It makes me awkward just thinking about it.

I've seen some very awkward situations in movies before, but this raises the bar. When Hillary Swank showed up in that tiny Nebraska town in Boys Don't Cry you knew things would get bad -- although I still never expected the rape scene. Who knows what awaits these love struck penis wranglers in the 1960s Western U.S.? Not that there's anything wrong with that, of course.

Brokeback Mountain promises to break new ground and is said to be a masterfully directed piece of work. I intend to see it myself. These two cowboys, Jack (Jake Gyllenhaal) and Ennis (Heath Ledger), part ways after the initial rogering and move on with their lives -- their very heterosexual lives. However, every summer they have a tryst in the mountains while working at a ranch. I think the writer didn't have to stray far when casting Ledger and Gyllenhaal. I imagine the sex scenes were completely natural to the actors. They'd had intercourse with men before, undoubtedly.

Now that you've read this far, I feel compelled to tell you, or least tell you what Ang Lee told a reporter in a recent article, "It's not a gay movie." Instead, it is "a more realistic portrayal of the West that people outside of America, like myself, don't normally see."

On a side note: If only we could say the same thing ("It's not a gay movie.") prior to Leonard Part 6 hitting theaters back in 1987. Alas, if Bill Cosby would have said such a thing we could easily punch him in the throat and call him a liar, because it was a very gay movie.

Anyway Brokeback Mountain is coming to a theater near you on January 6, 2006. I encourage you to go see it, despite my nonchalant way of explaining it here. I am in no way opposed to films of this nature. I think it's Hollywood's job to present such stories to the public. Expand our minds and in turn, just maybe, you can show some right wing nut bag that being gay isn't a sin, but a lifestyle that should be accepted in our society. But that's another blog all together.

What's on my musical radar?

2004-02-05T07:44:00.000-08:00

I know that question has been burning on your mind for some time now, right? If so, this is for you.

The CD that is playing right now in my car is Jimi Hendrix Are You Experienced?. And the volume knob never goes below 50% when it is playing. I struggle to think of another non-Beatles album that had as much influence and produced as many classic songs as this one. Highway Chile, Fire, Foxey Lady, Purple Haze, Manic Depression, Red House, good god. The best part for me is knowing this was America's first broad exposure to The Jimi Hendrix Experience. Recorded in 1966 or 1967 in London, this was the album that changed the electric guitar landscape forever.

>> Read more about Are You Experienced? at AllMusic.com

Let's talk live stuff, shall we? I received a very unexpected and thoughtful gift from my brother-in-law this Christmas. He went out on a limb and bought me the Grateful Dead Live from Winterland DVD. Recorded 12/31/1978, it was the final concert ever played at the Winterland Theater. 3 sets of the Dead at their best, in my opinion. It has some of my favorites on it: Scarlet Begonias, Sugar Magnolia, Fire on the Mountain, Dark Star (a particularly good one, I might add). If you're into this scene, I highly recommend it.

These are not your father's (or Strom Thurmond's) M&Ms...

2004-02-04T09:18:00.000-08:00

I went shopping this weekend for some M&Ms. Regular old, colored M&Ms. I would have even settled for the Valentines Day variety; you know, red, pink, white. Instead, I was stuck with colorless black and white M&Ms. I know this is a gimmick. Help them find their colors, whatever. What are they an ethnic group who has lost touch with their roots? At least let me buy regular colored M&Ms still.

So I was relaying my disgust to Nick. It dawned on me that not only Oreos demand different consumption styles, but so do M&Ms. Some are segregationist -- sorting them by color then eating each color group. Others will eat them believing that each color holds mystical powers. For example, the commercial when we were kids about the little league baseball player explaining to his friend that if he ate a green one before going to bat, he'd hit a home run. Other myths included the green ones held aphrodisiacal powers. Home run....getting laid....coincidence? And who could forget the kids who avoided the red M&Ms because they could cause cancer. I wish I were making this stuff up.

So, let's fast forward to today. We are stuck with black and white M&Ms while this stupid ad campaign continues. Could the folks who adhere to the segregationist method of eating M&Ms be considered a segregationist in the historical, Mississippi sense of the word? I mean, instead of splitting up the reds, greens, yellows and browns now we're splitting up the blacks and the whites. Yikes!

And if you are doing this, which ones do you eat first? And why that color? Is there something deep-seeded that is causing you to eat that color first? Does a Northerner eat a different first color than a Southerner? And I wonder if the M&Ms Company was considerate enough to ensure that there are just as many black ones as white ones in a bag? If not, isn't that favoritism? What does it all mean?! This is all about as metaphorical as bowling. Surely you've heard Nat X's (Chris Rock from SNL) take on bowling. A big black ball attacking 10 white pins with red necks. OK, I'm rambling now.

This is why I should be a Marketing Executive

2004-02-03T06:30:00.000-08:00

By now we've all been so overwhelmed by those damn AOL CDs that we're immune to the pathetic saturation that is their business model. I mean, come on, who hasn't opened their box of cereal or woken up in the morning only to find a AOL 9.0 CD in their Cheerios or under their pillow? But hey, who can't pass up 1,738,298 FREE HOURS in your first month!

Tangential note: There are only 744 hours in a 31 day month, people. Unless you're Einstein and you can bend the space-time continuum, one cannot spend more than 744 hours in a month downloading porn. That may sound like a challenge to some guys I went to college with, sadly enough. And let's face it, if you're Einstein, you figured out back on version 2.0 that AOL is the single crappiest piece of software ever made. It succeeds because of their saturation of the non-internet savvy public, who eat it up. UGH! Oh well, back to the story.

So, I was thinking more about this Janet Jackson Super Bowl Halftime Show (sponsored by AOL). If they had been sticking with their guns and been thinking, when Janet's tomato flopped out, it would NOT have been sporting a medieval-looking pewter starburst. No way. It would have been a shiny AOL 9.0 CD, firmly affixed to her breast with a nipple stud holding it on like a cotter pin.

Shameless marketing has gone to a whole new level. I am pioneering the next big wave. Now, stay off the phones, honey, I'm expecting the job offers to come rolling in any minute.

Get Ready to be Outraged!

2004-02-02T08:20:00.000-08:00

Yes, in the wake of Nick's nicely crafted commentary on the fake morality of the US public, I offer you this picture of Miss Janet's mammary, or whatever you kids call them these days.

In case you didn't get enough of a glimpse last night, you can now see in freeze frame, the "tomato" in all its glory. I'm not opposed to seeing them, I mean good lord, Janet's boobs have been at the top of my "Nice Rack! "list for years now. What I have a problem with is the hardware she sports on her nipple under her clothes. This was about as much unplanned as the Kennedy assassination.

Message to young girls out there.... "Public nudity and a record contract equals popularity and huge album sales." You heard it here first. Don't believe the morality hype from the "moral Americans" who call this an outrage then go home to enjoy primetime TV.

That being said, I want to let everyone know that in between the commercials and the Hip Hop Bonanza Half Time Show....there was a good football game that broke out. Some guys in teal and silver against the Patriots. Not sure, but I think the Patriots won.

We've all made mistakes right?

2004-01-28T09:36:00.000-08:00

Kazuhito Tadano, however, may as well forget about all the other mistakes he's made in his life. They all pale in comparison to one he made three years ago in college. As a naive 20 year old he took an active part in a homosexual porn video. Yeah next time you catch yourself regretting the things you did while drunk in Tijuana, give Kaz a call. Unless you were his "co-star," I don't think you have anything to worry about.

This "mistake" not only makes him eligible for a Depauw University Honorary Degree, but it might come up at his new job...pitcher for the Cleveland Indians. He has a good chance of ending up in the Cleveland bullpen this season. Memo to Indians management, consider removing John Rocker from the try-out list.

PS - The best twist in the saga has to be his insistence he is not gay. Ends up he and his teammates needed the money. "Pick a number fellas, one of us is gonna earn some money....the hard way."

Video Game Genius!

2004-01-28T06:16:00.000-08:00

This little ditty is a piece of arcade gold. If you can manage to beat the game, you will be rewardly generously in a Karate Kid 2 sort of way.

PS - This has nothing to do with Sirs Elton and Bill.

Bill Gates Knighted?

2004-01-27T14:25:00.000-08:00

OK, maybe it's just me. But I can see Billy Boy defending the Royal Crown about as easily as I can see Sir Elton John kicking the crap out of barbarians who threaten the Queen's lands.

I think to be accurate, Sir Elton would probably be seen beating up his loyal squire for wearing pastels after Labor Day. And as for Sir Bill? Well, besides making me chuckle, he is much less a knight than he is the Queen's personal IT Help Desk slave. Congrats, Bill....er, Sir Bill.

You ever wonder why...

2004-01-27T14:21:00.000-08:00

Andy Rooney begins everythying with that statement? It's almost like a soft pillow to lay your head on right before they lop it off. Andy does that. Then he'll go into some diatribe about how women should be allowed to vote, or how African-Americans can't read, or something really deep and PC. Nice, Andy.