Well, I've done it. The scientific search is over. I have finally achieved the elusive solution to our energy crisis thanks to the inspiration of George W. Bush and Sarah Palin. They have seen the future, and I was being too damn obtuse realize it. The answer has been there the past eight years in every press conference, and most recently in the vice-presidential debate. I have discovered nucular energy.
Through the formerly mysterious (read: non-existent) reaction called "fizzyun", I have unleashed nucular energy into the world. It's simple, really. Through the combination of some perfect samples of Funyuns and exact amounts of Faygo Red Pop, I have done it. I'll explain...
First, you pick the best Funyuns you can find. It must be one of these tasty snacks in the shape of a Möbius strip. After 72 bags and countless cases of heartburn, I finally found three that would work.
Next, you need eight ounces of Faygo Red Pop. I haven't yet discovered the qualities of the beverage that make it the catalyst, but I'm sure it is in the red dye or the crack-like addictive chemicals it contains.
You take the beaker of Red Pop and drop in a Mentos mint, mostly just because it's a cool freaking effect. Bubbles rule. Then you submerge the Funyun into the beaker. After a certain amount of time (variable depending on the atmospheric conditions) the Funyun will split. It must only split into segments that measure relatively equal lengths, within a margin of error identical to the number of calories in the Funyun ring itself.
The resulting nuggets of fake onion ring are thus ionized and ready for receiving the suspended receptor molecules in the Red Pop. These nuggets must go immediately into a microwave for exactly 1 minute and 37 seconds, or however long it takes you to drain your bladder from the three Red Pops you've consumed to this point. Coincidence? I think not.
The Funyun segments are now ready for action. They have achieved an unstable state which emit approximately the same amount of Geiger units of a 14 ounce stick of U-238. Whatever that means, it was enough to propel my cat, Schrödinger, across the kitchen when I dropped one of the searing hot pieces of Funyun on his tail. It didn't kill him, but I'm not sure. I wish I knew probability, dammit. I put him in a box just in case.
This is it, folks. The end of our energy crisis. Our dependence on fossil fuels is waning. This is the greatest discovery since Jesus discovered dinosaurs co-existed with Adam and Eve. To all you naysayers, nucular energy IS real. I smell a Nobel prize, bitches....and some singed cat hair.
October 9, 2008
October 6, 2008
As I witness the political process at work in the final four weeks before Election Day, I can't help but think: What the hell is Sarah Palin doing as the Vice Presidential candidate?
This is a woman whose foreign policy is predicated on her ability to see a foreign country from her backyard. (Shame on you, Katie Couric for being so brutal.) By that logic, if you gave her a rope she'd also be able to claim she was a cowgirl. Seriously, it's that sad. She'd probably have to ask someone to tie a lasso for her.
As a "maverick", McCain could have done better choosing a running mate himself. Yes, you know he didn't choose her, but his staff did. It was like a bunch of out-of-touch visitors choosing what to put on the TV in his hospice room. "You say you want The Dirty Dozen, Mr. McCain? Well here's Ishtar. Enjoy."
The more Palin talks about McCain being a "maverick", the more I think she really believes she's talking about a fighter pilot from an 80s movie. According to her script at the VP debate, she's extremely happy to be a part of the GOP ticket. And she's looking forward to taking on the big D.C. machine as an outsider. Truth be told, she's so out of touch with U.S. politics, she may as well be an ensign in the Canadian Navy. (Apologies to the Canadian Navy.)
They say her folksy demeanor makes her connect with the average soccer/hockey mom. And her steep slant on family values makes her a darling with the conservative set. When did being a mother of a pregnant teen make you a spokesperson for family values? I bet her daughter, Juneau, is more knowledgeable on the facts than she is. I mean, for crying out loud, she couldn't even name more than one of the big Supreme Court cases in history other than Roe vs Wade. Did "Brown vs Board of Education" ever make the papers in Alaska? Oh that's right, you may not have read that one. You're not even sure what sources you've read to prepare yourself for the Vice Presidential race. Here's a hint: If you're a GOP member, and you're faced with such a tough question, all you have to do is blurt out "Fox News".
Ms. Palin, at least you know you're still brighter than the current President. If you mention you have an infant with Downs Syndrome, he'll probably ask you why he's depressed. He's just that stupid. Don't get me wrong, people, there's nothing funny about this genetic condition. I'm just demonstrating how dumb this current administration is. They still think Iraq is the world center of terrorism. Newsflash: Afghanistan harbored more terrorists than Iraq ever did. But if you believe oil prospects equals terrorism then I guess you'd be correct.
Do you see what you've done here, Ms. Palin? You and your band of morons have driven me to wax political. I don't like it. But you just kept pushing and I was liable to break. The American public is not stupid. We're just easily swayed by cutesy ladies who don't know squat and prop up geriatric leaders who are on the verge of wearing diapers. How else do you explain why McCain is so close to Obama in the polls? Wake up, America.
That's enough. I'm out.
August 5, 2008
Here we are 27 years, 7 months, and 28 days after a moment that changed lives, and we still are feeling the impact. John Lennon was gunned down in a senseless act of cold blood outside of his apartment building. The loss was so monumental it still resonates today even with many who were not even old enough to understand its significance, including myself. I was five years old at the time.
Even at age 5, I sensed there was a gravity that descended on that day, the significance of which I am still struggling to understand. The world lost a voice that we had once known for its songs that helped sculpt a generation of song writers and countless artists to come. Lennon was a vital part of the most prolific song writing duo in history and a member of a band that brought the world together. That feat seems so foreign today in a music industry that seems so fickle and full of bands du jour. The Beatles' and Lennon's music showed the power of music as a uniting force the use of guitars and creativity instead of bombs and fear. All you need is love.
That fateful day, the world also lost a dreamer who preached the importance of peace and understanding. This was perhaps the one thing about Lennon that caused the greatest amount of cynicism from the media and government. Why was it so preposterous for a man to be so idealistic? President Nixon's administration went as far as to try and have John Lennon deported citing he was an undermining force that could lose him the 1972 presidential election. Why was human equality, something Lennon believed to be a crucial tenet of society, such a threatening concept? Despite the successful deportation of Lennon in 1973, their attempts to usurp the power of a dreamer ultimately failed. The order was lifted in 1975.
In the end, it was not any government that silenced the voice of a generation however. Four bullets from a gun in the hand of a crazed fan ended John Lennon's life on this mortal Earth. Four gunshots turned John Lennon into an eternally revered idol. He was taken from us too soon, but in his 40 years with us he contributed an entire lifetime of ideals and music that will live on.
I invite you to take a moment and imagine, if you will. The man is gone, but the ideals all live within us. Peace. Love. Understanding. There's nothing wrong with any of those. Even in the darkest days of a world fraught with conflict and struggles idealism will not solve the world's problems, but it is a foundation we can all build upon to begin making it a better place to live. If not in the name of John Lennon, then do it in the name of humanity, for dreamer's sake.
July 10, 2008
OK, I finally reached a point where I need to say something about the ri-damn-diculous Viagra commercials. You know the ones. They all feature that "Viva Viagra" song (a take-off of Elvis Presley's "Viva Las Vegas"). Two in particular strike me as odd. I don't suffer from E.D. so maybe the plight of the flaccid man is lost on me. Perhaps this resonates with these afflicted fellas. Frankly, the thought of some of these older guys like Bob Dole talking about having sex at all leaves me kind limp. Mmmm, Bob and Elizabeth Dole getting freaky all hopped up on fake boner pills....so hot.
The first commercial shows a bunch of guys hanging out in a studio, presumably in Nashville, singing the song and all sharing a chuckle. Yeah, I'm laughing. Nothing says "I suffer from erectile dysfunction" like hanging out in a country recording studio with eight other guys. Where are the ladies? They're hanging out with Kid Rock and Scott Stapp on a tour bus, that's where. I think we saw that video a couple of years ago. So these bonerless musicians are left to hang out together late at night singing about the fact they can now sport wood at home alone. Their dog died. Their truck got repossessed. And they can now pitch a tent after they get kicked out of their homes. Kinda seems like a pretty small ego-booster considering everything else. Here's a thought: maybe after the jam session these guys all have a sausage fest comparing sizes and hanging hats on their revived manhoods. Jesus Harold and Maude.
Let's talk about another one I've seen. It shows a guy pulling into his driveway everyday in his nice sub-compact car. (You can see it here by clicking on the video called "Breakaway".) His wife forces a smile, knowing she just bought some "lady implements" from a recent sex toy party with her girlfriends. So, she's covered. Then one day, the husband pulls into the driveway in a motorcycle. Yeah, way to mix it up, asshat. Brilliant idea considering things are probably strained at home already, you go and blow $20,000 on a hog. Viva Affair! That's what the wife should be thinking. So you both can now ride around the countryside with the wind in our hair dreaming about having sex. But NO! He just discovered Viagra! He took some, and realized maybe he needed something to compensate for the moped in his pants.
These commercials can't be worse than the innuendo-laden Enzyte male enhancement commercials featuring the creepy Bob character. At least Viagra is more subtle. I guess the Viva Viagra commercials could be worse by featuring paraplegic midgets learning how to walk or clowns making huge balloon animals. You see the symbolism? I hope so. Don't make me explain it.
PS - You can see all of the Viagra commercials here. Enjoy.
July 8, 2008
I've always watched NASA's voyages into space with complete wonder and awe. The human race's ability to venture into a completely unforgiving environment just boggles my mind. Our current missions are built upon decades of research and the guile of men and women who have blazed these trails for 50 years. Some have paid the ultimate price and others have achieved feats once only dreamed about and found in science-fiction films.
I just finished watching the final episode of a Discovery Channel mini-series called The NASA Missions: When We Left Earth. A stunning 6 hours documenting our humble beginning in the space race with the Soviets all the way through our most recent missions to further assemble the International Space Station. I remember the first time I saw the film The Right Stuff. It sparked my interest in following our adventures to the astral frontiers. Hitting theaters in 1983, it was only 3 years from one of the most tragic moments in the world's quest for our new manifest destiny. In 1967, during a launch training exercise, Virgil "Gus" Grissom, Ed White and Roger Chaffee were all killed when their Apollo 1 capsule exploded into flames. Truly a tragic event, with all due respect to those who were lost. However, 1986 was smack-dab in my formative years as a fan of space. It sticks with me today and is still chilling to see the event recapped.
When We Left Earth thoroughly provided a view into the events that unfolded leading up to the Space Shuttle Challenger disaster on January 28, 1986. It was a major event for me, a 5th grader at the time. It featured a widely publicized civilian to be launched into space, teacher Christa McAuliffe. Sadly, only 70 or so seconds after launch the orbiter exploded into flame and left nothing more than an enormous cloud of smoke and two rocket boosters spinning out of control in the sky. Leaving only a 50,000 foot fork piercing the heavens, the shuttle Challenger and its crew were gone. As the documentary replayed this footage, I felt like I was seeing it for the first time. Breathless, I watched. And then they shared a bit of information that I had only understood was legend until now. Based on data from NASA mission logs, three of the crew members actually survived the explosion and jettisoned from the vehicle only to be knocked unconscious. As their momentum carried them close to 70,000 feet above the Earth's surface, they hurtled lifeless and unaware of their impending doom down toward the deep blue ocean below. It was chilling to hear these individuals recount the events and this grisly mental image of these three crew members. It was the first major event in my life where everything seemed to stop at school, at home...everywhere. Eyes were glued to the televisions as we learned more about the disaster and those aboard. President Reagan addressed the nation and it served as some sort of official closure. I'm not a religious man, but his words were touching and provided solace that these brave adventurers were at peace.
Since then we've seen another shuttle (Columbia - February 1, 2003) claim the lives of its crew. We've also witnessed the gaffes with the Hubble Telescope nearly end the NASA program, although less of a human tragedy it was a major mark on the space program. NASA has still pressed on, looking into our universal past and looking to firmly plot out our future in space. I highly recommend seeing this documentary mini-series. For anyone who may be even marginally interested in our space program, it is a beautiful testament to our accomplishments and failures as we, the human race, seek the great beyond.
May 15, 2008
The other day I was shamed while getting my hourly refill of caffeine at work. The office matriarch offered one of those backhanded comments that sounded harmless, but really was probably meant to make you feel like shit. She is the office matriarch only because she is the only woman in the office with false teeth and woman parts that dried up during the Truman administration.
I innocently (as I usually do everything...hehe) walked over to the coffee area and began smelling which pot was NOT hazelnut -- because nut or fruit flavored coffee is only for demons and coffeehouse douches. Ask Denis Leary. As I'm ready to pour the first drops of French Roast goodness, she nicely mentions that she doesn't "understand why anyone would drink that dirty water." I froze and looked around for someone drinking piss water out of a spittoon...as I suspected, no one was doing that here in the IT break area. Just me and her. She must be talking to me, I thought. The only thought I could muster was, "Huh?" "That coffee," she said, "it's nothing but dirty water." I force a chuckle, nervously. Guilt starts to set in, like I'm watching porn and I was busted by my grandma. "Naw, it's good stuff," I say. "Well, I liken it to drinking and smoking." I sigh to myself and pour my cup of sin. It was good, and I felt naughty drinking it.
May 5, 2008
So, I bought these new keyboard trousers. vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv
They're perfect. I can bbbbbbbbbbvvvvvvnnnnnn type while I do "other things". Maybe fire off a few knuckle children in the process. vvvvnnnnbbbbbbmmmgggggg.
And you can hardly even vnmbvmnbvmnbvmnbv tell I'm multi-tasking.
Trouble is, I had to buy a few pairs. ccccccvvvvvbbbbbnnnnnnnn
They keep getting soiled.
That was the most enjoyable blog post yet.